SEASONS

I am enjoying the season of life that I am in. It's a season where I don't have the demands and the responsibilities that go hand in hand with raising a young family. I remember well the long days of running our home, playing referee, disciplining, nurturing little hearts, as well as looking for those teachable moments where the seeds of God's truths are planted. I also remember that the nights weren't nearly long enough; falling into bed, worn out from the day's demands and just wanting an uninterrupted night's sleep. I think "more sleep" and "endurance" were listed as number one and two on my "Wish List" back then!

Life has a way of propelling you forward and somehow you finish each day; most times, running on adrenaline alone. One day runs into another and the next thing you know, you find yourself looking back and wondering where did the time go? Even in the midst of that hectic season of our lives, I knew I needed to savor the moment and remind myself to not take it for granted. I find that I have warmth and tenderness when I recall those days; the hard work of it all having diminished in much the same way that the pains of childbirth don't seem so bad when you look at the end result!

Four years from now, Lord willing, Dave and I will be orchestrating our move to Montana and the next season of our life: retirement. If the past is any indicator, the time will fly by. These days, my time and energy seems to be filled with the remodeling and upgrading of the house in Montana. It has been so much fun, planning, dreaming and working towards that goal. I am eager for my next trip to the house to see the results of our latest projects and to do some more work. I am enjoying the painting and cleaning but I am also looking forward to the day when I get to go up there and just play.

Recently, with the uncertainty of Dave's health, I was reminded of the need to once again, savor the moment. I need to focus on the day at hand and not live in the future. We are told to plan and occupy until the day that God calls us home. We are called to live like we have all the time in the world and at the same time, live like it's our last day on earth. I am seeing more and more how God's word for me in 2013, "FINISH STRONG" is applying more and more to everyday life!

MARRIAGE MONDAY

D-I-V-O-R-C-E...It's such an everyday occurance and not just among non-Christians, it is on the rise in the Christian segment as well. Divorce is the topic for Marriage Monday so please feel free to join in and tell us your thoughts!
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Unfortunately for me, I have way too many life experiences on this topic. My parents met when my father was stationed in Freidberg, Germany in the late 1950's. My Mom was a pretty, young Fraulein that worked in a small store off base. They fell in love, married and he brought her back to the States when his tour was up. I was born 3 weeks later.

Now as an adult, I know that the marriage had its difficulties. I am sure that culture differences, distance from family, Step-children (my father had been married before) and religion were all factors in their marriage disintegrating. My parents divorced when I was six years old and it rocked my young world! I was very close to my father and then suddenly, he was no longer there!

I can remember being angry with my Mother, blaming her for the change in our family dynamics. The times that I did spend a weekend with my father and stepmother I was envious. My older half-siblings lived with them and by that time, he was starting another family. I remember feeling like an outsider in their midst, inadequate and insecure. I believed Satan's lies that said that I wasn't pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough or good enough because if I were, my father would want to spend more time with me. My insecurities combined with a distorted reality of marriage, set the stage for my own divorces.

I became pregnant with my oldest daughter Jennifer when I was sixteen years old. Her father and I married but we divorced a month before her second birthday. The odds were against us, we were both immature and lacked the skills to make our marriage work. I was crushed because I didn't want the divorce and I was afraid to be a single Mom.

I am not proud of the life that I lived after I got divorced. I went about looking for love and security in all the wrong ways. I lived a promiscuous lifestyle and it's only the grace of God that kept me from contracting STD's and AIDS. I jumped into a second marriage when I was twenty years old for all the wrong reasons. I knew it was a mistake but felt like I had not other choice. My daughter Jessica was born the following year and when she was two, I was a single Mom once more.

Out of respect for my girls, I will not publicly run their fathers down. I accept responsibility for MY weaknesses in both of those failed marriages. I surrendered my heart to Christ and swore off men!

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"
2 Corinthians 5:17

I was in church, growing in my walk with the Lord but I was still one of the walking wounded. No one was more surprised then I was when Dave and I fell in love! We were both baby Christians but we had a foundation in the Lord and were committed to each other and to my two girls. It was very difficult at times. We moved away from family a week after we got married due to a work promotion and there was baggage from dealing with two ex-husbands. At thirty-one, Dave had been a bachelor for a long time and was set in his ways and I was still an insecure mess. I loathe confrontation so any time we had a disagreement or if I sensed that he was restless, I would fall back on my past experiences and think, "It's only a matter of time and he will leave me too, they all leave..." Fortunately, Dave is very faithful, loyal and committed and no matter what, he would not be the one to leave our marriage.

When the time was ripe, God led me into healing from my past. Although we are counted as righteous and a new creation in Christ when we surrender to Him, we still have consequences from the choices we have made. As I was able to forgive others, one by one I felt the chains of bitterness and anger fall from me! The pain from my childhood was a real hurt but God enabled me to look beyond myself. My father had been the product of a broken home too. His step-father was an alcoholic that regularly abused my Grandmother and her two sons. He hadn't grown up with a positive role model and therefore didn't know how to be a dad! My father became a Christian 36 years ago and today, we have a restored relationship. He has asked for and I have given him: FORGIVENESS.

I know that we are no longer condemned nor are we judged because Christ's death and resurrection now covers us. I would be fooling myself if I thought that there were no longer any consequences from my own divorces. The truth is, divorce is a painful experience, affecting each person differently. I pray for my girls all the time that they would be able to experience the freedom and forgiveness that I have. Our past influences us but it does not define us...

FOREVER REIGN

This morning I heard one of my favorite worship songs, "Forever Reign" by Hillsong. My oldest daughter Jennifer introduced me to Hillsong over twelve years ago and I will be forever in her debt. Their songs usher me into the presence of the Lord and express musically, all my heart holds when it comes to worship. Different songs speak to me in different seasons of my life.

FOREVER REIGN

You are good, You are good

When there's nothing good in me

You are love, You are love

On display for all to see

You are light, You are light

When the darkness closes in

You are hope, You are hope

You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace

When my fear is crippling

You are true, You are true

Even in my wandering

You are joy, You are joy

You're the reason that I sing

You are life, You are life,

In You death has lost its sting

Oh, I'm running to Your arms,

I'm running to Your arms

The riches of Your love

Will always be enough

Nothing compares to Your embrace

Light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more

Than my words will ever say

You are Lord, You are Lord

All creation will proclaim

You are here, You are here

In Your presence I'm made whole

You are God, You are God

Of all else I'm letting go

Oh, I'm running to Your arms

I'm running to Your arms

The riches of Your love

Will always be enough

Nothing compares to Your embrace

Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing

no other Name

Jesus, Jesus

Oh, I'm running to Your arms

I'm running to Your arms

The riches of Your love

Will always be enough

Nothing compares to Your embrace

Light of the world forever reign

This song always reminds me of my mother. Every time I hear it, I remember those last days before she went home to be with the Lord. I have mentioned before that it was excruciating to watch as my Mother slipped further and further away from us. In those last days before she began calling out to her own mother in German and before she went into a coma, she would lie there and you could here her say, "JESUS, JESUS", over and over again. I remember how that would tug at my heart because she was so frail and so vulnerable and I would have walked through fire to protect her.

The first time I heard this song after she died, I just sobbed, you know that UGLY cry that we've all experienced! The chorus of this song, "My heart will sing, no other name, Jesus, Jesus" reminds me that my Mother's testimony was alive even when she barely was...Her hope and trust were firmly anchored in the only One who is worthy of that devotion.

My Mom has been gone close to two years and that's so hard to fathom for me. Now when I hear this song, I focus on the entire song. For me, it could just as easily be called, "Helga's Song". I think if she could somehow have a conversation with me, she would say every thing that this song entails and that, brings a smile to my face....

Isaiah 12:2

See, God has come to save me. I will trust in him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song; he has given me victory."

FINISH STRONG

Last year, I took a break from my blogging. I felt as if I had nothing of substance to to put into words, so I have remained silent. I could summarize 2012 with two words: INNER TURMOIL.(That's not much better than 2011, which was summarized by Emotionally Bankrupt.) That's not to say that 2012 was a bad year because a lot of great things happened during that twelve month time frame. I think that sometimes you have to shift your focus onto those good things since the rough patches have a way of mushrooming in front of our eyes until we lose our perspective. It's a delicate balance because you don't want to keep your head in the sand... sometimes you just have to deal with the turmoil and then find your inner tranquility.

I am blessed in that, the inner tranquility I speak of, comes from God's Holy Spirit. The first eleven months of 2012 found me still adrift. I never could have known that losing my Mom would have left me feeling so lost inside. I am only now beginning to realize just how close we actually were! We were very different in a lot of ways; her experiences during World War 2 and her German culture shaped and influenced her. I obviously could not relate to that and I had my own way of doing things and seeing things. While I would never have disrespected her or hurt her with harsh words, I did struggle at times trying to understand her. I am sure she struggled trying to understand me as well.

Last month, I felt an eagerness for 2013. I actually found myself excited, wanting to see what God had in store for me. I felt the intense grief of losing my Mom beginning to subside and I once again began to feel like I had direction in my life. I started making goals for 2013...

Then just as suddenly, I was once again in inner turmoil.

Dave and I had planned a two week vacation over Christmas and New Year's to Yellowstone National Park. Two days before we left, Dave and I both got questionable test results. (My Mammogram and Pap Smear and his blood work up for his six month cancer check up.) We prayed about it and made the decision to keep it to ourselves until we had some answers. We placed everything in God's hands and resolved to enjoy our vacation to the fullest. I would be lying if I said my resolve never waivered. Satan tried to plant seeds of fear into my heart, telling me to savor every moment because we would never have this again. Savoring the moment is a good way to live so long as it's not motivated out of fear.

We had an amazing vacation, a lovely escape from the real world and it's issues and I dreaded the drive back to Texas. Once we were back home I had further tests for my issues and thankfully, there was no cancer! Dave had another lab repeated and his PSA was still listed as "measurable". His doctor had told him last month that this would in all likelihood, mean radiation for him. He wants one more lab done on Feb. 8th and then we'll see where we go from there.

Waiting is such a difficult thing to do, probably because it's an exercise in practicing patience! God had given me a total peace while we were waiting for my test results, I really didn't give them much thought. Dave's test results on the other hand, were all I could think about!

One day, the uncertainty of what ly ahead of us in 2013 caught up with me. I started falling downhill emotionally when I heard God speak truth into my life. Clear as day He said...

FINISH STRONG!

I have to admit that initially, that kind of scared me! It was a bit overwhelming at first so I decided to focus on the fact that the Sovereign, Omnipotent God who stands outside of time, space and circumstances, spoke life into me! If you stop and think about it, THAT is overwhelming! How could you ever do "life as usual" after an encounter like that?

I am still foggy as to what God means by FINISH STRONG. I know He will reveal it to me as time passes and I seek His face. Whereas 2011 and 2012 were summarized by emotional bankruptcy and inner turmoil, I know that 2013 is going to be different. I am beginning to see that when I look back on 2013 and am able to say that I did indeed, FINISH STRONG, it will be because I was called to FINISH STRONG every single day.

At the end of each day, I need to evaluate myself and ask, "Have I finished strong today?"

From spending time in the word and prayer, to reflecting the image of Christ... 2013 is going to be my year!!

In order to get a perfect reflection, one has to be perfectly still...