NOT WHAT I HAD EXPECTED

It's been almost 4 weeks since I've blogged but that doesn't mean I haven't been writing. I have filled one journal and am working my way through another.


If I were to summarize the details of this month, a few words come to mind:
EXCRUCIATING
SACRED
PAINFUL
BLESSED
STRETCHED

I planned a simple, quick visit to St Louis for my Mom's birthday on May 6th through Mother's Day on May 8th, returning to Texas the day after. I packed enough clothes for 2 days and hit the road early. 691 miles later I arrived at my folks and found the Hospice Nurse there. I had met her in April when their care for my mom had first began. I was stunned when she told me that my Mom had days left...

This was on a Friday when I arrived and the Nurse wasn't sure that Mom would make it until Monday. Monday was supposed to be my travel day back to Texas so I called Dave and told him that my return was on hold. My emotions were in a jumble. I had envisioned the outcome for this scenario; I would visit my mom this last time, return home and in a couple of weeks I would receive a phone call from Pop telling me my Mom had died peacefully in her sleep, our family would travel up together for her funeral and I would stay afterwards for a while to help Pop.I would like to go on record and say that I have learned a valuable lesson:

ALWAYS LEAVE YOUR OPTIONS OPEN, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT WONDERFUL THINGS GOD HAS PLANNED FOR YOU!

I made the decision to trust God's perfect timing in this situation. Part of me WANTED to be there for my Mom's passing but the other part of me wanted nothing more than to CUT and RUN!! Every day I had to gird my loins against satan and his schemes and not allow myself to worry and panic. Our son Charlie had his last week of college with finals coming up on May 10th and 12th. Dave was scheduled for his MRI on the 12th as well and I even told him that I could survive my Mom's funeral without him if need be, this test was CRUCIAL for us concerning his cancer!

The days passed so slowly watching my Mom slip further away from us. She was in terrible pain but the doctor had prescribed a pain patch which delivered constant medication for 3 days at a time. The Hospice Nurse didn't think that Mom would need more than 1 patch, she ended up having 4!! I was amazed that she was still hanging in there but I'll admit that it was emotionally draining as well. Every day I awoke and asked God to give me the strength to do or to be what was needed for that day. I prayed for grace, mercy, peace, compassion and patience and God delivered every single day. At night before I went to bed I prayed with the knowledge that Pop might come in and tell me my Mom was in crisis or was gone. Every day I got up and did it all over again! There were days that I didn't think I could go on but God gave me the strength to do just that!

“He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God who has called you into fellowship with His son Jesus Christ our Lord is faithful”
1 Cor. 1:8-9

At the time, the days seemed to pass by at a snail's pace. In looking back, the 10 days that I had with my Mom flew! Her deterioration seemed so minute and yet in 10 days my Mom went from communicating with us to being in a coma, unresponsive...As time went by and I trusted in God's perfect timing, it became evident...Dave did not have to choose between his MRI and being there for me!

Satan realized that he was not going to uproot me from trusting in God's perfect timing so he tried another tact, creating long distance strife between Dave and I. Originally Dave had been scheduled for Haz-Mat training in Baton Rouge beginning May 16th. As the time approached and I was waiting for my Mom to die I asked him to reschedule 2 service calls I had scheduled for May 16th and 17th. I was stunned when he said that he couldn't because he would be at training! I actually said,
"You mean to tell me that if my mom dies you're going to be at training rather than her funeral?"

Since he is a guy and they tend to think one dimensionally he said something to the effect of: the Railroad had already paid for it, the next time he could go was when he had his staff meeting planned for his team and so on...I think I stopped listening early on. Immediately the Holy Spirit checked me. I recognized it was satan trying to wreak chaos within me and I dropped it completely! The next day Dave told me that he had checked about the training and he COULD reschedule it after all. The best part, it was in St Louis and it began May 23rd! God answered in a way BIGGER than I could have ever hoped or imagined! Just trust...

In the 10 days that I spent with my folks God blessed me tremendously. While Mom was still responsive she called out to my dad and to me and told us she loved us. She told us goodbye as well. She never wavered in calling out to Jesus, just repeating His precious name over and over...

I was given the blessing of reading the Word over her, praying over her and singing hymns over her. I told her I loved her and she opened her eyes briefly for a moment, that was the last time she "saw" me...

I felt the intimate presence of Christ in that room with us. Until the day I draw my last breath I will swear I could hear the rustle of angels wings. It was a holy moment...

At the end, she began calling out for her Mother in German. Hearing her call out, "Mutti" was difficult for Pop and I but we knew she was on the bridge of crossing over to be with our Lord and Savior. We answered her in German telling her that her mother wasn't there, that she was with Jesus. I repeatedly told her that she was free to go...

The last 36 hours were difficult as she physically deteriorated, too painful to even put into words....

The night of May 15th I wrote in my journal:
"Every day I wake up and ask for strength for what the day might bring. Every night I go to bed with the expectation that Dad will awaken me to tell me my mom has gone. Tonight I am just going to bed"....


At 3:40 AM Pop came into my room and told me that my Mom had just died........

PERSPECTIVE

Head knowledge is a good thing, heart knowledge is a better thing. Since the day, 30 years ago, that I went forward and handed Jesus the keys to my life and said, "You drive..." I have known certain fundamental truths:

God is love and He demonstrated that great love for us by allowing Jesus to carry our sins to the cross and sacrifice Himself so we can be restored into fellowship with God.

God provides strength through the trials and sufferings of life through His Holy Spirit.

People are flawed and yet God uses those who are deficient to minister and to serve. We are His hands and His feet.

He is indeed the Resurrection and the Life. If we have placed our trust in Christ when we pass from this world, our future is secure.

There are some things in life that you "know" but those things don't necessarily resonate within you yet because you have no reference point. I am 50 years old and while I have lost many people in my life, even my grandmothers, I am still a step removed from death. For the first time I am staring death head on, no longer on the sidelines. I know that unless God intervenes, my Mom will die. She is getting weaker and she has told Pop that, she can't do this anymore.

I hate the fact that cancer has made my precious Mother suffer since last June. I hate that slowly my Mom's dignity has been whittled away. I hate that Pop is nearing exhaustion caring for her. I hate that with her birthday tomorrow and Mother's Day on Sunday, I will never have another card to buy for her. Lots of things I hate that cancer has forever changed.


Strangely though, I am at peace.

My heart aches at the thought of separation from her even though I know that time has no meaning when we are with God. When I look at how frail and vulnerable she has become it breaks my heart. Deeply intertwined with that image though is a completely opposite image. I have heard for a long time how we are transformed when we are in His presence. That is now a truth that has taken root within my heart. God's peace has SO completely taken over my heart that I can rejoice at the thought of her being healed even if that means she has passed from this life (and isn't her healing what I have been praying for these past 11 months?) Because God has given me His peace I am able to trust Him more. Because I trust Him more I am able to receive even more peace from Him, an unending circle of peace.

A seeming paradox that suddenly makes sense to me now...

MARRIAGE MONDAY

Marriage Monday is an open forum where we as Christian wives, encourage one another, our group topic this time is “faith.” How does your Christian faith express itself between you and your spouse? Do you pray together? Or discuss theology? Do you lead or attend a couples Bible study? Perhaps you’re spiritually unequal, yet you're thriving nonetheless. Feel free to share any aspect of your spiritual journey with us, dear sister.


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There couldn't be a topic more near and dear to my heart right now! Faith has been crucial, one of the cornerstones in our married lives. I have the Spiritual Gift of Faith which is a good thing but it can also be a prideful thing. I have always believed that God is in control and that if He promises to take care of us, why do we question? I was even smug at times, looking down on others who struggled. All of that changed when I was diagnosed 7 years ago with a chronic auto-immune disease called ITP. In essence, my immune system misidentifies my blood platelets (which are necessary for clotting the blood) as a foreign antibody and destroys them. I was poked, infused, bruised, transfused, took chemo drugs and as a last resort I had my spleen removed 6 years ago. In many patients, removing the spleen where the blood is filtered, removes the issue of platelet destruction. In my case it wasn't so and I hit rock bottom. It was very humbling to realize I had been arrogant in regards to faith and in desperate need of compassion towards others who struggle in that area. For the record, I removed myself off the steroids and the horrible symptoms that wreaked havoc on my body. Six months ago I began seeing a Homeopathic Doctor who is treating me with herbs and supplements and I am holding my own.

Fast forward to June 17, 2010 when we learned my Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. She has fought the good fight, tried numerous different types of chemo drugs to no avail and we were told by her doctor that she has *2 more months left to live. We began hospice April 18, 2011. I am at peace with letting my mother go. I have faith that assures me that we will be together in heaven and as soon as she enters into the presence of our Lord and Savior she will be restored, whole and healthy. Her pain and suffering will be gone and I rejoice in that fact! I am actually excited for her even though my heart will ache during our separation.

While I was in St Louis visiting my folks, the day we began Hospice (April 18, 2011) we learned that my beloved, Dave has Prostate Cancer. You can read that entry here if you like.

This has been a wild ride to say the least. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever see myself in these shoes: preparing to say goodbye to my Mother and at the same time preparing for battle with my husband. Today in church we went forward for Communion; I held his hand, clinging to him, my heart crying out to God on our behalf. After we returned to our seats, we continued to hold hands and sang. Through my tears I saw his right hand and my left hand raised in praise and worship to God. I told God that I never want to lose this!!

I overheard Dave tell a friend of ours that his cancer has been harder on me than it has been on him! He is one of the most positive, upbeat people you will ever meet! We have had some deep and meaningful discussions in the last 2 weeks, as you can well imagine. We have an intimate relationship already but this has bound us even closer together. We have even made jokes about him having cancer as unusual as some might think that sounds. That's our relationship though, we don't try to take things too seriously because it can be depressing!

I shared with him how a couple of days ago I was really angry. I finally had to take a step back and analyze why I was feeling that way. Slowly I realized that it was because there are so many horrible people in the world and Dave is one of the good guys! He is so loving and generous, Godly, has character and integrity and so on....It is so unfair!

While I was talking this out with God He reminded me that He will use this for His glory. I told Him, "I know that! I just want to be mad right now!"

I felt Him answer in my Spirit,
"OKAY go ahead and be mad but how's that working for you?"

Slowly I began to calm. I know that God will use this to bring glory to Himself and when I shared all of that with Dave we had another long chat, after he stopped laughing!! He is so upbeat and positive and it seems like I am constantly rebuking satan and the fear that he tries to grip my heart with. My faith has been my shield and the word of God has been my sword in battle!

Dave reminds me all the time with this saying,
"My faith is not dependent on how long I live on this earth."

(In sickness and in health until death do us part, 25 years ago!)

How can I possibly resist a man like that?