WHERE?

Where has the time gone? I have had no desire to blog as of late. I have been in a slump. the blahs, the whatevers...

We went home to St Louis for the Thanksgiving Holiday. This was our very first Holiday without my precious mother. Right out of the gate we went to Jefferson Barracks National Cemetery so I could visit her grave for the first time since the funeral. I wanted to go without an entourage of people because I knew how difficult it would be for me. I know that she's not really there but it was something that gave me another tangible link to my Mom.

There's a feeling that came over me while at Jefferson Barracks. It's almost sacred this place where our Military and their spouses are laid to rest. The uniformity of headstones, the seriousness of respect and dignity and yet there were traces of connectivity as well. People had put flowers or flags with "St Louis Cardinals World Series Champs" marked on them. I cried my tears and Dave held my hand while I marveled that it's been 6 months since I have heard her voice.

Right before we left, I told her that she was the best Mother ever. She already knew that because the 2 of us have never left words unspoken between us...

My first and foremost priority was spending time with my Dad. He had just gotten out of the hospital and I wanted him to know that our relationship is still as solid as ever. It was his marriage to my Mom that brought us together but it's our love for one another that keeps that bond tied so tightly. The stress of my Mom's illness has taken its toll on him emotionally and physically and he is at risk for another major heart attack if he's not careful.

Consequently we spent most of our time with Dad.

We ate at Home Town Buffet a few times...

Dad with Aly.

Jennifer and Dave.

Ashley & I.


Showing us his newest "toy", an ELSA-Experimental Light Structure Aircraft. (How appropriate since that's my Mom's name)


My 81 year old Dad playing Christmas Carols with his 2 year old Great Grandson Joel.

Memories...Beautiful and yet a piece of my heart is absent...
I love you Mutti...

MARRIAGE MONDAY

Join us as we encourage one another and lift up the sanctity of Marriage! This month's topic is INFERTILITY.

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Since I have been blessed with 4 children I didn't think I would have anything to contribute this month. Although I had suffered a miscarriage many years ago, infertility has never been an issue for me. My insight comes from the perspective of parenting a child, who has had difficulties sustaining not one but 6 pregnancies.

Our oldest daughter Jennifer is a lovely, Godly woman, a pure joy and privilege to call daughter!! Jennifer and her husband Corey have always been held in high regard within our family. Although they married young, they put their dreams of children on hold until Jennifer graduated from College with Corey following, 3 1/2 years later.
Wedding Day 1998

When the time was right, we were thrilled to get a call from them telling us we'd be a GIGI and Grampy again. (We had became grandparents for the first time in 2002 when our daughter Jessica had Jacey Beth) I immediately ran out and bought Jenn a pregnancy journal and shared in the anticipation of a new grandchild! I still remember the phone call telling me that she had miscarried at 6 weeks. We were saddened but I gently told her that something must have been terribly wrong for this to have happened and that she would come to see that this was for the best.

We received another phone call, less than 2 months later informing us that once again, a grandchild was on the way! While the thought of her recent miscarriage was still fresh, we had no reason to think that the same thing would happen as before, 6 weeks in, she lost this baby as well.

One of the hardest things as a mother is to watch your child in pain, whether it's physical or emotional pain, you want to protect your child. How do you answer her questions of "why"?

"Why did this happen again?

"Why is that women who don't even WANT children can get pregnant so easily?

"Why do these same women have abortions when all I want is a child of my own to hold?"

"Why, when Corey and I have done everything right in our lives, is this going terribly wrong?"

"What is the physical problem?"

There is no band-aid for that kind of hurt! I remember praying for her and asking God to give me the right words to comfort her. I prayed for answers to her questions...

After her second miscarriage she decided that her OB/GYN was much too casual about her losses. I believe that God provided answers for us through giving Jennifer special insight and discernment through the Holy Spirit. My first-born is very direct and decided that she was going to a infertility/high risk OB/GYN. Enter Dr. Penney in Columbia, MO, now retired. After performing tests and discovering that Jenn is RH-, he also determined that getting pregnant wasn't the issue, sustaining the pregnancy however was! Jenn's body wasn't producing Progesterone so that by 6 weeks, the embryo, lacking nourishment would miscarry. I am thankful that God answered our prayers and that Jenn followed the Holy Spirit's leading in this matter.

For the 3rd time in less than 5 months, we found ourselves receiving the news that Jenn and Corey were expecting! This time was different however, her doctor was addressing the issues at hand and a game plan was in place even before she conceived! Receiving replacement hormones, taking baby aspirin and a constant vigil of prayer over this child and on February 25th 2004, I received a phone call that Jenn was being induced the next day! I left Texas at 5PM, drove straight through the night and arrived in Columbia 11 hours later. That afternoon, Alyson Jordan, an answered prayer was born!!

Aly with Dr. Penney.

Our "Aly-Cat"!

When Aly was 10 months old, Jenn unexpectedly found herself pregnant. Dr. Penney began her hormone replacement but it was too little too late and she had a 3rd miscarriage.

In February of 2006 we were awaiting the arrival of Jennifer and Corey's 2nd child. Dr. Penney had planned to induce Jenn on that Valentines Day and I had made the trip in from Texas to be there when she was born. Accompanying Jennifer to her appointment we were disappointed to find out that the baby had flipped and was breech. Once again, my direct daughter went into "take action" mode. We visited her chiropractor who worked her "magic" and sent us home. While rubbing specific pressure points I literally watched our grand-daughter roll over and right into position! The next day, February 15th, our Ashley Elizabeth was born!!
Baby Ashley with big sister Aly and Mommy!

In 2009 we were blessed with our first grandson, Joel Michael. I was unable to be there for his birth since our youngest was graduating from High School but I was able to hold him a week later!


Dave holding our first grandson!
My Mom LOVED her family!!

I recognize that our family has been blessed and that not everyone has a happy ending to their story like we do. For what we have, we are eternally grateful!!

Ashley, Joel and Alyson!

GYPYSIES ON THE MOVE!

One week from tomorrow, Dave and I will be headed Southwest for vacation. This is the original vacation we had planned for us this year; the One Week Yellowstone trip was our "spur of the moment" trip, celebrating our survival of a rough year.

I'm sure for people that really know us, the idea of "spur of the moment" ANYTHING, seems like an oxymoron! We are the kind of people who plan our vacations 1-2 years ahead of time (2012 is already planned and we have 2013 in the works!) and Dave spends hours researching hiking trails, sites and so on. I joke that I have my own personal Travel Agent!

We will visit the Grand Canyon in Arizona, Bryce Canyon and Arches National Parks in Utah. In 2006 we took this trip as a family celebrating Laura's graduation from High School. On that vacation we caught the North Rim of the Grand Canyon, this trip we will do the South Rim as well!
(Arches National Park, June 2006)

(Park Avenue hike, Arches NP, June 200.)
(Bryce Canyon National Park, June 2006)
(Queen's Garden Trail, Bryce Canyon National Park, June 2006)
(Grand Canyon National Park, June 2006)

I LOVE taking vacations in the Fall! There are fewer visitors to the National Parks since families are in the throes of the school year and the weather is much more enjoyable! I love to hike when it's cooler, layering up and hitting the trail! I've begun going through my closet, pulling out long sleeve shirts, jackets and jeans to throw into my duffle. Packing begins this weekend in earnest.

8 days and counting...

MARRIAGE MONDAY

It's Fall and Marriage Monday has started up again! Join us as we encourage one another and lift up the sanctity of Marriage! This month's topic:
COMMUNICATION


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I come from a family of MIND READERS, or at least that's what we tend to believe. To say I come from a family of NON-Communicators would be an understatement. I grew up being parented by a Single Mom who due to her upbringing and personality, could be quite passive. My maternal Grandmother (my OMI) was a force to be reckoned with and had her own agenda in life. Pretty much my mother and my grandfather (my OPI) let her rule the roost. Living in Germany through the horrors of World War 2 and then its occupation, one had to be strong if you were going to survive. Coupled with the fact that my Omi & Opi had lost 2 children, before my Mom was born in their latter years, its understandable why my Omi was overprotective and downright smothering of my Mom.

(My Omi & Opi and my Mother, refugees, 1948.)

My father's raising was different but equally difficult. He was raised by a Single Mom and then later had an abusive stepfather who was also an alcoholic. My Paternal Grandmother made many sacrifices (going hungry so my father and my Uncle had foot to eat) and worked hard manual labor, picking and chopping cotton out in the fields to provide for her boys. With no strong, Godly role model in his life, my father by the time he was 16 was a wild, young man.
(My Grandmother with my father, left and my Uncle on the right, *1941)

My parents met when my father was stationed in Germany in 1958. They fell in love, were married and I was born 3 weeks after my Mother came to America. (My parents dancing at the Oasis Club when he was stationed in Friedberg, Germany, 1958)

Sadly they divorced when I was just 6 years old. I had many insecurities as a little girl and like many children I figured that their divorce was somehow MY fault. So many of my experiences shaped and molded the decisions that I made as I grew older. My bad choices were exactly that, MINE and mine alone, still it helps to understand the WHYS of life.

I looked for security and stability in relationships with men. I didn't grow up knowing that the ultimate relationship to have is one with Jesus Christ, the lover of my soul! By the time I was 24 I had been married twice, divorced twice & had 2 precious daughters, Jennifer and Jessica. I had given the keys of my life to Christ and told him to drive, I was the passenger and he was in control. When I finally surrendered my life I always envision God sighing a huge sigh of relief and rolling up His sleeves, saying,
"At last, I can bless her life and give her the things MY heart desires for her!"

One of the many blessings I received was my husband Dave. We met in the Singles Sunday School class at our church and after becoming good friends, we fell in love. Dave has a very strong personality and can be brutally honest. He is a straight shooter and doesn't mince words. I wish I could say that I had the communication thing worked out the instant I became a Christian but I didn't. My insecurities reared their ugly head every time we had words or Dave voiced his displeasure or disappointment. In that instant satan would whisper his lies into my ears,
"It's only a matter of time before Dave leaves you just like every other man in your life has left you."
Sadly I believed the lie and lived in bondage and fear for many years.

I could write a post in and of itself of the miraculous transformation that occurred within me 11 years ago. God revealed Himself to me and I understood in that instant that my identity, worth and value was found in Him, I was HIS, the apple of His eye!! I could never have known the ripple effect that would come from that revelation! The bondage that had held me captive for so long, the fear that if I wasn't perfect that I would be alone again, was gone!

One of the transformations that occurred was that our marriage took on an intimacy level that I never knew existed! I never knew that I could have open communication with another human being and not be afraid to share the depths of myself with them! Another by-product of my liberation was that Dave changed as well. He is still forthright and honest but he has lost his edge and is more sensitive when he speaks.
(Dave and I, Yellowstone National Park August 2011)

We have been through many things together, most recently my Mother dying of cancer and his own cancer diagnosis and surgery 3 months ago. Recently he told me that I am his very best friend and that there is no one else he'd rather spend his time with, than me.

For someone who grew up in the midst of dysfunction and insecurity all I can say is that only God can perform a miracle like that!!

DREAMING

It's been forever since I've written but I have given myself permission to stay away. Some days are light and breezy while some days are heavy and stormy. I don't care how many books on grief you read or how many conversations you have with people who have went through losing a parent, it's not the same when it happens to YOU!

I used to think that losing someone gradually over time was better than an instaneous shock like a car accident or a heart attack. In some ways I DID have an opportunity to accept the fact that my Mom was going to lose her battle with cancer but head knowledge and heart knowledge are two different things entirely. Whether fighting cancer or dying unexpectedly, the end result is the same, my Mom is gone and I am hurting...

I see my Mom everywhere. I catch glimpses of her in my children and I see her in my own mannerisms. I remember a long time ago, saying something and thinking, "Stop that! You sound JUST like your Mother!" At the time, I was upset that I would turn into her but now that she's gone and I appreciate the woman she was, I would wear that label as a badge of honor!! I keep a picture of the 2 of us in the Scrap Booking Room, I never realized before that I have her nose!

Appreciation...did I appreciate her enough while she was living? I'd like to think I did, but only she would know the answer to that question...

(Mom and I at Laura's High School Graduation, 2006)

I have regrets in my relationship with my Mother. One in particular is how self-absorbed I was when she lost her own mother, my Omi. In 1984 I was nearly 24 years old, was a single Mom for the 2nd time and pretty wrapped up in my own world. I never thought to ask HER how SHE was feeling, what I could do for HER, I'm here for YOU if you want to talk, does it ever get easier and so on. Nope, all I could think of was how it affected ME. Now that I am in her shoes it's not like I can go to her and ask for advice on how to deal with the pain that strangles my heart and leaves me wondering if I'll ever be able to move forward.

My Mom and I were close, I just never realized how entwined we were until now!! If I were given just 5 minutes to tell her that I was sorry for not being more sensitive to her own loss when my Omi died, I KNOW what she would say,
"It's okay, don't worry about it",
because that's what Moms do! As Moms we might get our feelings hurt but our unconditional love for our children, supercedes all of that!

Unconditional love...As human beings, our Mothers are our first experience with unconditional love. I have lost my advocate, my champion, my very first cheerleader. Our Mothers have known us the longest, they are our first connection and in the case of my relationship with my Mom, we have shared things together that no one else has experienced. (My daughter Jennifer reminded me of that!) No wonder there's a gaping hole in my heart!

I have had dreams of my Mother since she passed away. Initially, she was just there, no words were exchanged between us. As of late, I have dreams of her in those hours before I wake for the day and we engage in conversation. Always, the conversation revolves around her dying and I wake up feeling her loss all over again. Yesterday I awoke sobbing and Dave had to hold me in his arms to calm me down. I have always thought of dreams as an escape but I also know that sometimes God uses dreams to speak to us, He certainly has done it with me in the past. I find myself praying that if God has something for me within these dreams that the Holy Spirit would help me to recognize it.

If not, I would just as soon pass on having dreams of my Mom just yet, it's getting more and more difficult to move forward...

CH-CH-CHANGES...

Although I can't say I have ever been a fan of David Bowie's, this title seemed to fit. My life as of late has been more about changing rather than consistency. I admit, I miss my old life, the boring, mundane, routine one where everything had its individual place without much overlapping into other areas. My Sister-in-Law Peggy told me about a book titled,
"Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti".

a man is like a waffle (each element of his life is in a separate box), while a woman is like spaghetti (everything in her life touches everything else),

That would describe things accurately; my life is shlopping all over the place!

The next change on the short horizon is Charlie transferring up to OU (University of Oklahoma) in Norman, Oklahoma:
BOOMER SOONER!!

This has been his life's dream for as long as anyone can remember! Our son has been obsessed with weather his whole life and is pursuing his degree in Mass Communication and Broadcast Journalism, emphasis on Meteorology. We had him attend college locally for 2 years since it is cheaper than out of state tuition and now it has run its course. Come Saturday, we are OU-bound!

Last month I began gathering stuff together for his transition. He will NOT be in a dorm but rather a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom furnished apartment on campus. He is excited and yet somewhat nervous. I am excited and yet somewhat nervous. A whole new chapter is opening up in his life, filled with unlimited possibilities!

Today I am washing bedding and towels, dishes and such and organizing everything so that getting him all settled in will go a bit smoother. Saturday morning we will load up the caravan of vehicles and hit the road by 6AM for the 2.5 hour drive north up Interstate 35. We'll unload, (actually everyone ELSE will unload-I'm not risking a setback with my back), carry everything up to the 3rd floor and start putting stuff away! Being a good Mom, I am leaving him with a big batch of my Buffalo and Black Bean Chili! I have a surprise as well and will blog about it once we have him moved!

Saturday is a big ch-ch-change for this Mom. My "baby" is flying from the nest and sprouting his wings! His journey begins...

LOSS AND LOST

This week has been difficult and it's only Tuesday morning! I think all the upheaval in my life is catching up with me. Now that a little time has elapsed since my mom's death and Dave's cancer surgery I'm taking stock in my life. It felt as if I had been thrown into deep waters with no life jacket, frantically treading water, just trying to stay afloat. Now that the panic has subsided I find myself, still in deep waters but without the frantic flailing of a drowning woman. I have a calmness, a resignation if you will to the situation...

Now I am just trying to redefine myself.

My Mom is gone, 3 months ago today she drew her last breath here on earth. In some ways it feels like she's been gone so much longer than that! I have never gone this long without talking to her and I feel a bit lost. Next month is my 51st Birthday and it will be the first time in my entire life that she will not be there to sing to me, send me a card, tell me she loves me and so on.
(Mom and Dad, April 2005)
She and dad have had a tradition that as a family we always enjoy and look forward to:
Several years ago I had gotten them a little felt German hat that yodels when tapped. On our birthdays they would call us, "play" the yodeling hat and sing "Happy Birthday" to us. They called themselves, "The Happy Yodelers"! It might seem really silly to some people but it's one of the little things that I know that we as a family will miss. Last year on My 50th Birthday, Dave and I left on our trip for Banff and Jasper up in Alberta, Canada. They called me for my birthday that evening as we sat in a restaurant in Lake Louise. Instantly I wished I had let it go to my Voice Mail so that I could revisit it anytime I wanted to. There will be no yodeling from my Mom next month...

The other day when I was in Hobby Lobby I saw that they already have a lot of their Christmas stuff out. I got all excited and started down the first aisle. I automatically thought to myself,
"Oh, Mom would love that for Christmas!"
I barely made it through the aisle and got away from the Christmas section as quickly as I could! Another first for our family this year besides Birthdays; Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day, all without my Mom.

My Sister-In-Law Peggy and I talked for 2 hours last night. She lost her younger sister to a drunk driver 36 years ago when her sister was just a Senior in High School. Peg told me that it does ease over time but certain things will trigger sadness; sadness over all of the things she has missed because her sister was taken so young. She told me that "it can still hurt because we have loved so deeply."

I am understanding just how true of a statement that is!

THE JOURNAL

I have enjoyed writing as far back as I can remember. I had a teacher in grade school who encouraged me to write my poems and thoughts down on paper. I had spiral bound notebooks with cartoons, song lyrics and my aimless drivel in my room. (I don't know where they are today and maybe that's for the best!) In my day, girls kept diaries, cute little books that were bound, complete with a tiny little key to unlock the pages that held our thoughts. It's pages were filled with nonsensical gigglings about boys we had crushes on or how UN-cool our parents were and how they didn't understand us! I tried the cute little diary once and went back to my spiral notebooks!

I met my best friend Brenda this past April in Little Rock, Arkansas for our annual Beth Moore Living Proof Bible seminar. We stopped at MARDEL that first evening and I bought a journal that was on clearance for $2.99. I get excited when I see all that blank paper in front of me. The anticipation of the thoughts that will be scribbled inside, gives me the same feeling as a fresh, unopened box of Crayola crayons! Remember when as children, we got a new box of 24 or if you were really lucky, you got the big box with the built-in sharpener, at the beginning of the school year? There was anticipation, excitement and a promise of good things to come. A kind of tangible HOPE, as it were.

I put my new journal in my Beth Moore bag along with my Bible and looked forward to what that weekend of teaching would bring...

God certainly met me that weekend. I will never forget during the Ministry time the Holy Spirit falling on me and I just sobbed my guts out, all over Brenda! I have cried the ugly cry too many times to count in my life but this went beyond that and then some...
(With Beth Moore at a book signing here in Dallas, 2009)

I remember telling Brenda afterwards that I felt that God had had me empty myself so that He could fill me up more with HIMSELF. Now that I look back, no truer words were ever spoken. Within 1 month, my Mom would be gone and my husband and I would be facing down the gun barrel of his prostate cancer.

In the last days I spent with my Mom I wrote in that brand new journal. It's once crisp pages are now wrinkled and tear-stained. Ironically, its exact number of pages are completely filled with all of my thoughts and events of that time, right down to the last line and my last sentence! It was predestined if you will, for that purpose.

Once we came back home to Texas at the end of May after burying my Mom and I had helped Dad to sort through some of her things, the journal has stayed in my Bible Study bag. I have YET to take it out, let alone read through it once again. While there is SO much of God's intimate and ongoing presence written in its pages, there is much pain as well.

A time is coming for me to pull it out and begin reading through it. I sense a good healing awaits me as I relive that painful chapter in my life. I believe that God gave me answers to questions that were unasked at the time; questions that have since arisen, that I don't know how to answer.

When summer winds down and the season begins to transition to Autumn, I too will begin my transition. I will slow my pace, take a deep breath and allow God to apply His healing salve to my wounded heart. My healing awaits...

"Then shall your light break forth like the morning, and your healing (your restoration and the power of a new life) shall spring forth speedily; your righteousness (your rightness, your justice, and your right relationship with God) shall go before you [conducting you to peace and prosperity], and the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard."
(Isaiah 58:8 Amplified)

A LITTLE BREAK

It has been a while since I have blogged. In truthfulness I have been so completely drained by the events of the past year+ that everything has just dried up inside of me. Only the Lord's constant renewal, in the MIDST of our extreme worst time allowed ANY words at all, to flow out of me. Once He had carried us through the worst of it, I found myself taking a break altogether!

I have had a time of refreshing as well as a small amount of time to do some grieving and I am slowly beginning to feel the old me coming back to life. I didn't realize how much of me was on auto-pilot during all of this. Sometimes, it has been an incredible effort just to get up each day and put one foot in front of the other.

A new season has begun in my life. I now know what it feels like to lose a parent. This was something I had observed in my peers-Dave and other close friends-but not myself personally. I now find myself in the ill fitting position of matriarch. I do not want to be in this position because to actually BE the matriarch means I have to acknowledge that my beloved Mom is in deed, really gone. Some days it just seems like she's back home in Missouri waiting for me and at other times, the sadness rolls over me like a tsunami taking me out to the ocean''s depths...

I continually remind myself that she is with the Lord and that all of her suffering is over. She abides in the fulfillment of grace! She basks in unbroken, untainted, ongoing communion with the Lord and nothing on this earth could satisfy her after experiencing that! Still, a part of me longs to hear her voice, talk with her, just BE with her and I know that is not possible.
(A rare moment where my Mom let us see another side of her!)


The other day I was shopping at Sprawl-Mart and I ran into a little German lady right in the baked potato chip aisle. Her accent drew me instantly; not because I ever actually HEARD my Mother's accent, but it was her mannerisms, that held me frozen in time. The turn of her head, the motion of her hands, the pauses in her sentences suddenly made me see a glimpse of my Mom. I got choked up and told her that I had just lost my Mom and that I had been inexplicably drawn to her. After we parted company I cried for several aisles right there in that warehouse sized grocery store!!

I know the separation is temporary, a blink in eternity's eye but right now it seems so permanent...

This is life.

Sometimes life gives us wild and insane happiness, joy and exuberant passion just to BE alive.

Other times life gives us sadness and sorrow that swallows us up in the darkest of nights.

Through it all, ONE remains...

"I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."
(Philippians 4:12-13 English Standard Version)

A LITTLE RANDOMNESS

A little randomness is good for the soul. At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I have had quite a bit going on and one thing in particular I'm not quite ready to share on the World Wide Web, just yet!

Today Dave has his first Labs since his cancer surgery last month. This will now be a regular part of our lives. Unfortunately he runs the risk of cancer reoccuring, obviously not in the prostate since that's gone but elsewhere. The surgeon told me right after surgery that he got all the cancer and the pathology reports confirmed that. His bone scan that he had done before surgery was clean and so we are hopeful that this lab work is going to be normal. We refuse to live in fear of the cancer coming back, life is too short to not live each day to its fullest.

Speaking of which, Dave is recovering nicely. He's not 100% yet but he's jogging 2 miles a day now. We go out at 5:30 in the morning and we walk a 1/2 mile lap together around the lake, then he jogs 2 laps while I continue walking. He repeats this and then we walk a lap together. I'm walking a minimum of 2.5 miles every morning, more on the weekends. This has been wonderful because we talk while we're walking and while he's jogging I get to have some quiet time with the Lord. There really haven't been any incontinence issues to speak of and the other part will just take time. I am just grateful to have Superman by my side! (Dave with his "Superman" father's day cake made by our very own, Laura Lou!)

I went to a Chiropractor yesterday because I have been in pain since Thursday night. I had a pretty normal work week last week and on occasion, I will have a backache if I've done a lot of sweeping, mopping and vacuuming. Thursday evening I just assumed that was the reason for my back hurting. A good night's sleep, a couple of Tylenol and I'm usually ready to ride the bull again! WRONG-O! I awoke Friday morning and I was hurting, it just got progressively worse over the weekend. It's bad when it hurts like crazy to slightly bend over the sink to brush your teeth or wash your hands! The pain is concentrated in my right back hip area. I had to cancel my 3 cleaning jobs for this week because I was in NO shape to work!

I went in yesterday and he did some x-rays on me, he wanted to make sure there wasn't anything else going on that might require more than his services. As he whipped out the x-rays he told me,
"The good news is that your spine looks really good! No bone spurs, nice space in between the vertebrae, etc."
Then he showed me the 2nd x-ray, of my pelvic area and said,
"However, this is not good!"

The x-rays revealed I am horribly out of alignment in my hips. So much so that my right leg is *1.5 inches shorter than the other! He told me that typically this doesn't just happen unless you suffer a sudden trauma. In all likelihood this has been ongoing and your body will eventually reach a point and scream "UNCLE!!" That's apparently what has happened. I took a very bad fall *10 years ago from the roof when I was hanging Christmas lights in which I took 10 stitches to the back of the head and 3 in my leg. I wonder if that could have been the beginning of the misalignment?

He readjusted me and it hurt but in a good way! Then they did electrical muscle stimulation in the area. I am going back this morning and tomorrow morning and will almost certainly have to do some more follow up once we are home from vacation. It's been nice to unexpectedly not have to work this week but I've been too crippled up to do much of anything!

The day after tomorrow, Dave and I leave on our vacation. We both agree that we both desperately are in need of some R&R and a break from our daily lives! I've been getting stuff together and still have some odds and ends packing to do. Since it's only a week we won't require as much stuff and there won't be any camping whatsoever on this trip. When we planned this last minute trip before Dave's surgery, not knowing the outcome, we figured sleeping in a tent on an air mattress might not be a great idea! (Dave and I at our home away from home, Old Faithful Inn in Yellowstone National Park! Summer 2010)

The other big pre-occupation of my time has been gathering stuff together for Charlie's move to OU in Norman, Oklahoma next month. He'll be living in an on campus apartment and not a dorm room so he needs some basic stuff. The apartment comes furnished and he has been communicating with his room mate already who is from Pennsylvania. I am excited for him to spread his wings more and experience this next chapter in his life! (One of the beautiful buildings on OU's campus!)

MAKING PLANS

I can't believe it's been a week since I last blogged! I have had something going on that has required a considerable amount of mental energy, leaving me drained. Satan has been working overtime on me and I am just going to have to rely fully on the Lord and let Him work it out! Down the road, I will be able to post about this and how God has went before me on this, making a way for me through the fog.

Dave returned to work this past Monday. It's hard to believe that, in just shy of 2 weeks that he had his prostate removed and has recovered enough to resume his work duties full-time. He began jogging a little yesterday, 1/2 mile and then 1 1/2 miles today! No Thanks! I don't jog OR run, not even if a herd of Grizzlies are after me! My short, fat legs just won't cooperate! I'll hike for miles and hours on end just don't ask me to run...

Speaking of hiking...I am getting pretty excited about leaving on our Yellowstone trip 4 weeks from tomorrow! We typically visit Yellowstone at least once a year and have hiked countless miles there! Dave has a few new hikes on the itinerary this year, one in particular sounds daunting- "7 Mile Hole". It descends down into the canyon of the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone and then naturally, you have to hike back up out if it!! I have read that it's a strenuous, 10 mile round trip hike with 1400 feet elevation gain and supposedly takes 5 hours....yeah right! We typically stay for an hour at our destination point, a reward for all of our efforts to get there. Dave is a Photographer who takes pictures along the way and I am slow, so this is going to be an all day hike I'm sure!!
(Dave and I in Yellowstone, Summer 2010 on the Point Sublime Trail. We'll be hiking down into this canyon!)

We'll have some of our normal hikes that we enjoy and a return to a couple of places that we haven't been to in a while. I am getting excited to say the least! I have begun wearing my new ASOLO hiking Boots that we bought this Spring, on our morning walks to get them better broken in. I'll probably have a good 50+ miles logged in on these by the time we leave. I'll be bringing my good old COLUMBIA boots as a back up. Oh how I wish those ones were water-proof! When you hike your feet have to be happy and my COLUMBIA's definitely make my feet happy!

ENJOYING LIFE

Today is filled with contentment. I am off work today so Dave and I will go out later and run a few errands. We walked 3 miles this morning-we were talking so much we didn't realize how much ground we were covering! I am in a great mood!
(Grampy & "Kit-Kat", March 2011)

Vacation plans are officially a go and 5 weeks from today, we will be Yellowstone bound! When we learned that Dave had Prostate Cancer his "Wilderness Man Fishing Trip" with our son Charlie, Dave's best friend Big Charlie as well as Big Charlie's son David, had to be cancelled. It has been rescheduled for June 2012. With its cancellation, 2 weeks were suddenly freed up and Dave threw out a couple of suggestions for a 1 week trip in August, Yellowstone being one of them.

I've written countless times that Yellowstone is Dave's favorite National Park and since the choice was left up to me, I voted for Yellowstone. My rationale was based on the unknown, not knowing what we might be facing and that Yellowstone might be a much needed pick me up for Dave. I don't regret my choice even with the excellent report we received! It'll just be the 2 of us with some hikes planned for most days.

I am viewing that trip as a reward from God. I like what Dave said the other day,

"I think we've earned it!"

I couldn't agree more!!

TOO SOON?

Is it too soon to think that Dave is a cancer survivor? Probably so but after experiencing the decline of my Mom to cancer and ultimately witnessing her death last month, Dave's good report has me feeling triumphant!
(Grampy & 'The Bean", October 2010)


He had his Post-Op appointment yesterday where they removed the catheter, AKA "the ball & chain" and the Surgeon went over the findings of the Pathology report, he was VERY pleased with the results! He reminded us however that this WAS serious and not to minimize the aggressiveness of this cancer. I am thankful that Dave has been so diligent with his annual physical! He exhibited NO symptoms whatsoever when they caught this! As aggressive as this cancer was, by the time he WOULD have shown signs, in all likelihood, it would have been a different outcome for us! Dave has to go back in 30 days for blood work and then every 3 months for the first year. At this point in time, no follow up for chemo and/or radiation! We went in knowing it was a 50/50 shot that it was a possibility but thankfully, that's not necessary. He will be returning to work already this Monday.

Since his release from the hospital last Wednesday we have been out walking every morning, about 2.5 miles now. The doctor told him he could begin jogging again on Monday as well. Before his surgery he usually jogged in the evenings but he has decided to continue going out early in the morning even after he goes back to work. I DO NOT jog so I will walk while he's out there being a maniac! I've enjoyed our early morning walks, chatting, watching the sun rise and so on....

I am drawn back to something our son-in-law said to me on April 18th, the day Dave told me the biopsy diagnosed him with Prostate Cancer. He said,
"You and Dave are already close, I can't imagine how much closer this is going to make you."
I remember at the time thinking that was a really sweet thing to say but now, 2 months later, we are closer than I could have ever imagined!

This experience has bound our hearts together even tighter. I am convinced that without the Lord Himself being that 3rd cord, we would have unraveled! I am still trying to process EVERYTHING that the Lord has done, what He has been, how He has sustained us and I think I will still being seeing the ripple effects in years to come!

"A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12 (New Living Translation)

PATHOLOGY REPORT

Yesterday was a good day! The best thing that happened was that the Surgeon called us last night with Dave's Pathology Report on the tissue and lymph node samples that they took last Tuesday morning. In his words, it was an excellent report! No cancer in any of it! When I answered the phone he told me that he wasn't certain that anyone had called us yet with Dave's results so he was doing some follow up. WOW, a personal phone call! Tomorrow is the post-op appointment and we will have some follow up questions to ask. I feel as if we just dodged, not a bullet but a mortar round!!

Dave told me that right after his surgery he received his first "specific" peace over our situation. We both had had the "generic" peace, the kind that says,
"God's handling this one"
but nothing specific that says the cancer is not going to be an issue. Dave had that reassurance right after he came out of surgery. I think in some ways I am in a bit of a shock and in other ways I am unruffled because God assured us all along that He was in control.
(Dave in Sequoia/Kings Canyon National Parks with the Sierra Nevada range in the distance.)

I've been thinking a LOT lately about faith and trust. It used to be I thought that they were one and the same but not so much any more. Faith is knowing and believing that God is more than able to come through on our behalf. Trust is surrender, pure and simple; whatever the process, whatever the means that God is working this out, He will do it in the way that is best. I'm always drawn to something I remember from Beth Moore's study on "DANIEL".

When WE are in the fiery furnace sometimes God will deliver us FROM the fire, sometimes God delivers us IN the fire and sometimes, God delivers us THROUGH the fire.

He decides which way is best for us and which way will glorify His Son best.

This morning I feel like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego,
"...not a hair singed, not a scorch mark on their clothes, not even the smell of fire on them!" (Daniel 3:27)

THE CALM

The last few days we have been in a state of regrouping ourselves. The surgery is behind us, Dave is home and is recovering. (Dave and I on my surprise Balloon Ride for my 50th Birthday! October 2010)


We are waiting for the pathology results on tissue, etc that they took during the surgery. I had hoped we would know something by Friday but we didn't hear from the Doctor's office. It would be nice to hear back tomorrow but if not, Dave has a Post-Op appointment on Wednesday. I am trying to keep a grip on myself since we had to go 2 weeks before hearing the results from his MRI which indicated cancer outside the prostate. One can't help but think to themselves,
"Hmmm...?"

Dave is bound to his "ball & chain", the Catheter but that should come out on Wed at the Post-Op appointment. He's been walking daily, resting and limiting his intake of pain medication. (John Wayne would be proud!) He's handling the inactivity pretty well considering he is a guy who is always on the move. I too have slowed down the pace; usually he and I are fulfilling commitments out the wazoo! He is "SLUG" and I am "SLUG-ETTE"!

Dave's brother Perry and my sis in law left yesterday morning, homeward bound. Their company was such a breath of fresh air! They had figured they would be doing work around here, laundry, lawn, etc but we had taken care of everything before hand. What they gave us was SO much more than practical help, they gave us emotional support, diversion, laughter and love! Dave and I will cherish their giving of themselves for the rest of our lives!

Today is Father's Day but he had requested before his surgery to celebrate NEXT weekend. Another quiet, laid back day for us today. He's not up for church since that would also entail wearing pants (to cover the catheter) in 100+ degree heat! I am still debating on whether I will go. I am sure I'll have to answer a lot of inquiries and IT IS Father's Day as well. A part of me feels like I NEED to be there however, offering up my praises to God and worshiping Him with love and gratitude.

When I see it in writing it's a no-brainer...I am going to go and get myself ready for church!

LIFE AT HOME

I went to the hospital yesterday morning and Dave confirmed that he was being sprung by noon-and he was!! He was already untethered from IV's but he used the IV pole to hang the catheter bag from and for support while we roamed the halls again. We got instructions and we were out of there by 11:30 and home by 12:30!

He is doing GREAT! His pain is more related to his back and shoulder than it is to his actual surgery! He was having some rotator cuff issues already and we believe that him being splayed out on that "ironing board" that they call a table, really aggravated it! Between massages, "Icy-Hot" and a heating pad, we're trying to work the discomfort out.
(Before being discharged, trying to massage the soreness out of his shoulder and back.)

We all pretty much vegged out in front of the TV yesterday, ordering pizza for dinner. Perry & Peggy headed back to their hotel around 7 PM and Dave was sleeping on the couch by 7:30! I called it a night at 10 and went to bed, leaving him on the couch. I got up and checked on him around 1:30, went back to bed and slept until 5 AM. When I got up at 5 he was awake.

As it turns out he woke up around midnight, was up for about an hour and then went back to bed. He showered this morning, had a breakfast of Scrambled Eggs with Biscuits & Gravy and then the 2 of us walked about 1 1/2 miles this morning!

He's resting on the couch, Superman is home and my heart is happy...

BEHIND US

Yesterday was one of the longest days of my life! I awoke before the alarm went off and we were out the door by 4:40 AM, bound for downtown Dallas. It was pretty quiet between us, both of us having lots on our minds during the 45 minute drive. We got him checked in and around 5:30 they took him back to prep him for surgery. Our dear friend Randy arrived a short time later and around 6 they called me so I could go back to be with Dave. At 6:40 I got Randy so we could pray together over Dave. At 7 they wheeled him into surgery, half of my heart was suddenly gone...
(God knew that this little David would grow up to be a man like King David, one who would seek him with his whole heart!)

The time in the waiting area passed rather well. We were joined by Perry and Peggy and the mood was kept light. We shared stories, lots of smiles and laughter and I held it together pretty well. Once in a while I'd begin to think about what was actually being done to Dave and I'd get pretty quiet. I think Perry could tell because out of the blue, he'd say something and focus my attention elsewhere. The Surgeon said he would call me on my cell phone rather than the "house phone" to let me know how things went. Imagine my anxiety when the Receptionist called my name and told me he wanted to see me! I waited in the Consultation Room, telling satan to shut up and keep his doubts and fears to himself. I prayed and told God,
"Whatever this is, You will see us through this!"
As it turned out he was unable to reach me on my piece of cr*p cell phone!

The Surgeon told me that the surgery went VERY well and that he got all the cancer. In removing the Prostate he was able to leave nerve endings and tissue on the left side, which increases his chances to have normal function. We should have the Pathology report by Friday evening which will tell us more. The Surgeon told me that he would be moving into recovery soon and that he was pleased at how things went. I went back out to the waiting area, huddled our group together and shared the positive report. Finally, I took a deep breath and fell into Perry's hug and cried!

I was more antsy waiting for him to come out of recovery and settling into his room than I was during his actual surgery! We were given his room number, went up to the 7th floor and waited for him in the family room to come up. I hung in the doorway anxious to catch a glimpse of him. It was the same feeling you get when you are waiting at the airport for someone you love to come down the walkway. You haven't seen them for a long time and the anticipation of your reunion just overwhelms you! Suddenly, there he was and he waved at me!! My heart melted and the tears flowed!

Once they got him settled and we were allowed into his room, I breathed another deep breath! He was still pretty out of it but he was talking to us. We decided to go eat some lunch so he could sleep a little more and Randy headed into work.

Jessica, Laura, Charlie and "The Bean" (they snuck her in) came a short time later bringing a bunch of balloons, a candy bouquet and a "Bowl 'O Fun" to keep Dave occupied (everything from silly string to bubbles and everything in between!) They left a short time later and grabbed a bite to eat with Perry and Peggy leaving Dave and I alone. We both dozed a bit, he in his bed obviously and I on the couch in his room.

At 3:30, the Nurse helped him to get out of bed and into a chair to sit up for a while. After sitting a while he got up and paced, taking baby steps around the room. As soon as he was given the thumbs up, we were walking the hall! After being on his feet for about an hour, he decided to lie back down and rest. Perry and Peggy came back and a little later on, we were walking the hall again.

Around 8:30, the 3 of us left to head back up to Denton and get a good night's sleep!

Dave looks amazing! He is not going to be kept down for long! His pain is tolerable, he IS on some pain medication but as of last night was determined that he wasn't going to take anything stronger-especially when he learned that it can impede the healing and recovery process! I will head back into Dallas once the morning rush hour traffic has let up. He is supposed to be discharged today and I know he will be glad to be back home.

One of my favorite songs by HILLSONG United has been running through my mind this morning. Offering praise and worship to the only One worthy of all we are!!

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

NORMAL LIFE

Dave is one who makes every moment in life count! This man lives life intentionally! (Dave with his biggest Northern Pike ever, 19 lbs. 3 oz.June 2009, Stout Lake, Ontario, Canada!)

Last night 2 of my favorite people made it into town! Dave's youngest brother Perry and his wife Peggy (one of my besties!) took vacation time this week to come from St. Charles to Texas for Dave's surgery. Words can't express how much this means to Dave and I to have their support! Knowing that they will be with me while I am in the surgery waiting room, just fills me up with love and gratitude.

(Perry and Peggy, Old Faithful Inn, Yellowstone NP, Fall 2008)


Dave's best friend here in Texas, Randy will be waiting with us as well! Randy and his wife Lynette (my BFIT-Best friend in Texas) and their daughters go WAY back with our family! We have miles of memories of camp outs, playing cards, vacation, serving in Ministry, laughter, tears, prodigal children, a house fire, death of parents and you name it! Lynette surprised me at my Mom's visitation by coming ALL the way to St Charles to be there for me during my Mom's funeral!!!

Dave and I are blessed beyond measure! Between our children, family and friends we could take up the entire surgery waiting room area tomorrow! Unfortunately, we are limited to only 4!

My thoughts today are pretty calm for the most part. Dave is at work, wrapping up his loose ends since he'll be on short-term disability for awhile. He'll take an earlier quit, come home, eat a light meal and at 5 PM begin taking his "cleansers", if you know what I mean! I have the grocery shopping to do today, take my car in for an impromptu 4 wheel alignment (wasn't planning on that!) and the usual Monday errands...

Today marks our last day of what we used to call normal. That is NOT meant to be pessimistic one tiny bit, it's just that we are clueless of what tomorrow's surgery will bring!

If God does the miraculous, how on earth could you ever live a normal life again?

If God permits Dave to go through the surgery and there is no need for chemo and/or radiation, how on earth could you ever live a normal life again?

If Dave DOES have to have extended treatment, how on earth could you ever live a normal life again?

If our situation turns out to have a different ending then the one we desire, how on earth could you ever life a normal life again?

Already our "old normal" has changed. Dave has always been a thankful person, acknowledging God's endless blessings in our lives. Every day he chooses to make the most of each day, not squandering one second on negative thoughts! This kind of reality check certainly changes the way you view life!

For myself, God has drawn me closer to His side and has become my all sufficiency in a way that blows my mind every single day!

Already we have seen that a "new normal" has it's benefits!

I will rest in the Lord and allow Him to give me the strength and perseverance for wherever the road leads us...

DESIRES

So, the day after tomorrow is the big day. We have to be at University of Texas Southwest Medical Center by 5;30 AM and if everything goes as planned, surgery will be at 7 AM. We were told this will probably be a 3 hour surgery but then this was BEFORE the MRI indicated that there was cancer outside the prostate. We won't know until they get in there and start removing the cancer around the prostate.
(Dave and our son Charlie, wearing his brand new Cowboy Boots for his 3rd birthday, October 1993)

I would love it if they started to do the surgery and found themselves saying,
"Where did it go?"

What a testimony to the healing power of God that would be! God is more than able and while this is what WE desire I am reminded of Psalm 37:4,
"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Too many times I believe that we as Christians use this Scripture to wrench something from God's hands; as if we were even able to do that! God certainly has responsibilities to us as His children but just as WE as earthly parents have responsibilities to our own children, the parent gets to choose what is best for their child.

I acknowledge that God sees the end result, the finished product and all I can see is the very small area that immediately affects me and my emotions. I know what I want but the key to this is what does God want?

That's where "the desires of my heart" comes in...

It's not meant to be a "wish list" that we present to God like He was some sort of Santa Claus waiting to hear want we want. I am slowly understanding that this journey we are on is so much more than the physical, temporal earthly life we move around in. We move around on such a shallow level, much like the earth's crust and God desires for us to be at the core! HE is the core!

When I am connected to God more intimately, HE places HIS desires in my heart and THOSE are the ones that I crave! You know it's another upside-down Kingdom Principle when your main focus transfers from yourself and what YOU want to one that asks,
"What does God want out of all of this and how does He want to use me to accomplish it?"

TREMENDOUS SUPPORT

I count myself incredibly blessed that our family has such an amazing support group! From family, friends, church and even internet sisters and friends that I have never had the pleasure of meeting face to face (except for Connie-Marie and Cyndi) we have been encouraged. Every day I receive affirmations of love and prayers and every day it shores up my walls a little more!
(Dave at Iceberg Lake, Glacier NP, Summer 2010)

Last year when my Mom was first diagnosed with Colon Cancer I picked up a book by David Jeremiah titled,
"WHEN YOUR WORLD FALLS APART: SEEING PAST THE PAIN OF THE PRESENT".

I was organizing my side table, which sits right next to my favorite chair and I saw it sitting there! I had started reading it but something must have distracted me because I hadn't gotten very far. I picked it up yesterday afternoon and began reading it again, starting over.

After only reading 8 pages, something leaped off the page and shouted at me. I had read it last year but it hadn't impressed me at that time. I was in a difficult place last year but this speaks to the difficult place we find ourselves in THIS year! The author found himself suddenly and unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer much like we find ourselves right now!

"Our spirits basked in the prayers, support and encouragement of our church family and friends, we fed on their support and felt strengthened for the battle ahead. But in the midst of all the love and affirmation, it was the Lord, "a stronghold in the day of trouble" (Nah. 1:7), who knew the needs of my body and soul most deeply. It was He who walked with me through the valley of the shadow, He who lavished upon me a deeper, more personal experience of His presence than I'd ever known before. As I sought refuge in His word, I found consolation beyond description for my troubled spirit."

Wow! That speaks to where I am right now! The more I let go, the more I acknowledge my own weakness and lack of control in this situation, the closer God draws to me! The intimacy level in my walk with Christ has sky-rocketed and I can be thankful for good things even in the midst of very bad things! Only God can take our heartache and fear and use it to draw us closer to Him. It's a choice we get to make, what to do with that heartache and fear. Do we wrap ourselves up in it or do we shed all pretense of control and hand it over to the One, the only One who is higher than it all?

"When God permits His children to go through the furnace, He keeps His eye on the clock and His hand on the thermostat. His loving heart knows how much and how long."
Warren Wiersbe

OUT OF THE BLUE

This has been a very good week since "putting down my net". I've been filled with incredible peace and calm which the world would not understand. It's not as if Dave's cancer has suddenly disappeared or I heard an audible voice from God making a proclamation, I wish....It's the peace of God that passes all understanding. I love how William Barclay puts this in his "Daily Study Bible Series":

"In Hebrew peace is never only a negative state; it never means only the absence of trouble; in Hebrew peace always means everything which makes for a man's highest good. In the east when one man says to another, Salaam—which is the same word—he does not mean that he wishes for the other man only the absence of evil things; he wishes for him the presence of all good things. In the Bible peace means not only freedom from all trouble; it means enjoyment of all good." (vol. 1, p. 108)

So I find myself in another one of those upside-down Kingdom Principles of knowing peace in the midst of uncertainty...
(Dave resting after our hike out of Sheepeater Canyon from the base of Osprey Falls in Yellowstone NP, Summer 2010.)


Yesterday I had a reminder however of the seriousness of our lives (as if I needed a reminder!) Dave has filled out his information packet, done all of his preliminary lab work, etc in preparation for his surgery this coming Tuesday. In this paperwork there is an explanation of "expectations", how many people are allowed in the surgery waiting room, recovery area, settling into your room, side effects and so forth. As is the case in prostate surgery, side effects can include impotence and incontinence. I will not address the former but the latter. He will have to wear protective padding once the catheter is removed, hopefully VERY short term! Needless to say we've been making the "DEPENDS" jokes to lighten the mood. He asked me to pick up a supply of what he will be needing.

I was picking up a prescription yesterday and asked the Pharmacist if they carried what I was looking for. He recommended a Medical Supply Store which was located in that same plaza. I went down there and stepped inside. The young man was very helpful and while he was in the back rooting around for my request, I was completely overwhelmed!

I was surrounded by medical equipment (duh!) but suddenly I was reliving my Mom's final days. I could see her lying in their hospital bed which was on display, the oxygen machine, the Colostomy bags-everything in their store, somehow connected with my Mom!! God was indeed merciful and gave me strength during that time but I was reminded of just how hard that time actually was! I began to cry...

Then "IT" happened! Satan tried whispering fear inside my head. My mind began to race and wonder if a year from now I'd be back in this place needing things for Dave. I felt myself breathing harder through my tears, fear strangling my heart once more.

Sometime you just have to tell satan, to "SHUT UP!"

I reminded God that I had "put down my net" and everything was entrusted to Him. Satan skulked away to his corner with his tail tucked between his legs, knowing that he was the loser of this round.

All of this transpired in less than 3 minutes! Earthly battles in war are NEVER settled this quickly! But then, who can remain standing when confronted by the same power that raised Christ from the dead?

"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." (Hebrews 4:16 NIV)

SURRENDERED

There is nothing like suffering and trials to grab your attention! In the midst of this however the presence of God is SO intimate that I am able to find thanks in the middle of our situation. I can't imagine going through the events our family has gone through/is going through, without God's ever near presence! I have spent MORE time in prayer and in the Word, than I have in a long time. I find that my priorities have changed, not that I was focused on "bad" things before but now I find myself focusing on "better" things. I used to view life with permanent eyes and now I realize just how temporary everything is, not just our earthly years but even our trials!

"For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!"
(2 Corinthians 4:7 NIV)


Dave has been such a pillar of strength through this whole thing! No, he's not Superman, although I believe the kids lose sight of that fact. Their thinking is such that "If dad's not worried about this, we're all gonna be okay".

(One of my favorite pictures of Dave. Lake Girabaldi, British Columbia, 2005)

I told Dave that he has done his fathering well. He has provided strength and security for our children and that he has been an excellent example of a man who is entirely dependent on God. Dave recently told someone that his cancer has been harder on ME than it has been on him! Dave is a manly man without a doubt but he is a Godly man even more so. His trust in God is inspiring whereas with me, I tend to fly around the place, anxious and unsettled, rebuking satan right and left with Scripture! The picture of calm and chaos...

Dave's continual prayer has been, "Not my will but Your will". God knows, not only HOW He will be glorified but the BEST WAY He will be glorified in this situation. And to think: we GET to be apart of that!

Our Pastor gave an amazing message this past Sunday, one that has resonated deeply within me in the days since.

"As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” At once they left their nets and followed him. Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him."
(Matthew 4:18-22 NIV)


The Disciples were called by Jesus to put down their net and to follow Him.
AN INVITATION

They did just that and left all familiarity behind.
A CHOICE

They witnessed things and became something they could never have been on their own, by following Christ!
A BETTER LIFE

I was able to identify with the Disciples. Here they were, in all likelihood, living a good life. They had a livelihood, would probably raise a family and life was potentially good. Here I am, my needs provided for, Dave and I don't have a good marriage, it's safe to say we have a GREAT marriage, with all our hopes and dreams laid out before us...

When I think of ALL that the Disciples witnessed by leaving the familiar behind, it boggles the mind!

Water turned to wine!
Lepers healed!
Deaf, dumb and lame people healed!
People raised from the dead!!
Demons cast into swine.
Insights into the Father's heart!
Jesus calming the storms!
Jesus feeding the multitudes with nothing more than a couple of fish and loaves of bread!
Jesus walking on water!
Peter walking on water!!
Peter's anguish over His betrayal of Christ.
The despair of Christ's death and the inexpressible joy of His resurrection!
Peter's restoration through Christ's complete forgiveness!
The Holy Spirit descending upon them to go out in the name of Christ to reach the world and perform miracles in his name.
Chains falling off while imprisoned for preaching the Gospel.
Even giving up their lives for the One who makes our lives worthwhile!

I truly feel that Jesus has extended the invitation for me to put down my net and experience things with Him that I can't even imagine! Our marriage has been my net. I have been holding on to it so tightly because it has been threatened by Dave's cancer. Surrender and giving up the illusion of control is really scary. WHEREVER this journey takes us, HOWEVER it turns out, God has a journey for us that will blow our minds!

I have opened my hands and given it over to God.
He has given me the invitation and I have chosen to live a better life....