MARRIAGE MONDAY

Today is Marriage Monday and our topic is romance. Join in the fun and see what others have to say on this sometimes controversial subject.
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I thought I would weigh in on the topic of romance from a different approach. I think too many women today have an unrealistic expectation regarding romance. Commercials, Valentines Day is the worst, communicates that jewelry and flowers are the way to win a woman's heart. I believe books and movies have encouraged this distorted belief that we will marry our Prince Charming and live happily ever after. Their version doesn't go down the path of housework, sick children, financial issues and job struggles; instead they end the movie or the book before the real world comes crashing in! I think men get an unrealistic view as well but I don't know if it would be called romance. They have expectations as well when it comes to sex and appearance. Let's face it, life makes us TIRED!!!!

My husband Dave grew up the oldest of 3 boys. Unfortunately (in my opinion) my Mother-in-Law didn't educate him in interacting with women very well. (Dave is to the right of his Mom.)
He got a crash course when he married me, a single Mom with 2 girls. We added a 3rd daughter to our family so he was completely surrounded by females! As a result, he is now much more comfortable around women and has gained some insight into the fairer sex. (Our family in 1988, Lincoln, Nebraska.)

Initially however, in part due to his strong personality as well as his environment-growing up with a strong father who ruled with an iron fist, he didn't realize that a woman's perspective had equal value when it came to the decision making process. When we added our son to our family, I made sure he practiced being sensitive and had a genuine appreciation for the differences between men and women. As a result, he is VERY comfortable around women and has NUMEROUS friends that are female, much to the envy of his guy friends! (Our son Charles on his 3rd Birthday with Dave-his first pair of cowboy boots! 1993, Denton Texas.)

Many years ago I read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman and it was an eye opener to say the least!! In it he describes the different ways we express our love for others and what we need to feel loved in return.
1) Words of Affirmation
2) Quality Time
3) Gift Giving
4) Physical Touch
5) Acts of Service

Dave's Love Language is Quality Time and I am Physical Touch. The more Dave and I have done things together, the stronger our marriage has become. His passion is Photography and I enjoy just sitting with a good book to read, waiting for the light and shadows to line up for one of his amazing photos. (Dave snuck a picture of me on our recent trip to the Grand Canyon, September 2011.)


It doesn't have to be a 2 week vacation somewhere, we can jump in the car and drive down to the REI store in Dallas and talk about whatever, we're together. Dave knows an unexpected hug or hand squeeze can thrill me to no end. He also knows that when we're together I am always touching him; I'm not being clingy I'm just so in love with him that I can't stop myself.

As Christians though in my opinion, this isn't enough. When we couple this knowledge with pursuing a more intimate relationship with God, HE opens our hearts and gives us a more serving attitude towards others, especially our spouses. We begin LOOKING for ways to please our spouse. For some women, if gift giving rocks their world, flowers will make them weak in the knees. For someone with acts of service being their love language, helping to unload the dishwasher or run the vacuum will communicate volumes. It's all about taking the time to figure out what makes our spouse tick. We invest large amounts of time and energy in the dating relationship but then believe we get to coast once we get married! The part the storybooks don't tell you is, that's when the real work begins!!

Our marriage has the right blend of reality and creativity. He has done things that have caught me off guard and speaks volumes to my woman's heart! Here are a few examples:

Rather than buying me a dozen roses, he bought me a rosebush! His thinking was that I could enjoy flowers on an ongoing basis rather than merely a week! I currently have 8 Rose Bushes!!!

He continually surprises me when we are on vacation. He plans our trips and then always finds us a wonderful B&B to stay at along the way! (Our cabin in Jasper National Park!)

He has written me poems and ALWAYS writes me a love letter on special occasions (Birthdays, Anniversaries, Christmas and so on...)

He surprised me with a Hot Air Balloon Ride for my 50th Birthday!

Last April while I was back home in St Louis the day we started my Mom on Hospice, Dave found out he had cancer. Words fail me when I try and describe just how I felt when he told me over the phone. Unbeknownst to me, he had been researching and had just purchased a beautiful strand of pearls for me for our 25th Anniversary. Once I was home again, he suggested we go for a walk where he read me a romantic letter he had written and surprised me with them! I wore them to my Mother's funeral a month later...

He remains diligent and intentional in expressing his love for me as I do for him. There's no such thing as cruise control when it comes to marriage, you HAVE to pay attention, be intentional and interactive, otherwise you will run off the road!

MOM'S JACKET

While I was back in St Louis, helping Jennifer and her family after her surgery I also fixed my focus on my Dad/Pop. Since losing my Mom last May he has been at loose ends, trying to figure out how to move forward even when his heart wasn't in it. I can't relate since losing a parent is different from losing a spouse. I think in the earliest days of his grief, he was recovering from the exhaustion he suffered while caring for my Mom. My Mom had told him that he was going to have to put her in a home because it was too much for him. His answer was,
"You're IN a home, our home and that's where you're staying!"
That's my Dad!

I have to remind myself that Pop will be 82 this year, hardly a spring chicken but I would never tell him that! He tinkers with his ELSA (Experimental Light Support Aircraft) at the airport most days, hangs out with his fellow flying buddies and deals with the ailments that men his age deal with. I hate seeing my dad grow older...

Since my Mom's death he talks MORE about Christ his Savior and the Bible, than I have ever heard in all the years I have known him. This really blesses me! I know he will be with her when Christ calls him home!
(I miss these times!)
While I was at my folks house a couple of weeks ago, Dad gave me 2 of my Mom's dress coats and 2 of her jackets. I remember the jackets well. One memory in particular is of her wearing the grey jacket when I accompanied them to the Oncologist in November 2010 and he told her that there was nothing more he could do for her and that her next step was hospice. (They did go to another Oncologist who managed to buy her 6 more months before she went home to be with the Lord.)

What an ugly day that was...

I took the coats and jackets back to Jennifer's house and started packing them in my suitcase. While rolling the jackets up, I realized there was something in the pockets. I pulled out kleenex, change and hard candies that my mom ALWAYS carried with her but there was something else inside too. I discovered a hospital bracelet that my Mom had worn, taken off and stuffed inside her pocket on the drive back to their house, after she had been discharged. There was also one of her chapstick tubes. My Mom never went ANYWHERE without her lip balm! (We wanted to even put one in her casket with her but dad said no so we didn't.) Touching something SO personal, at that moment just made my knees buckle. I sat there on the floor in my granddaughter Aly's bedroom, clutching that jacket and sobbing my heart out. It smelled of my Mom and the pain of her absence just washed over me!

I suppose that's how grief works. I remember the surprise I felt about 6 weeks ago when I realized I had turned a corner in the grieving process. I was talking to a stranger and as I talked about losing my Mom, I was sharing the facts. I didn't burst into tears like I usually do instead, there was a calmness inside of myself that caught me off guard.

Coming across her chapstick in her jacket pocket there was an ache that caught me off guard and dropped me like a rock.

Last night I finally got around to washing my Mom's jackets...

MARRIAGE MONDAY

This month's topic is on sex and you are invited to participate and be encouraged by other Christian women as we strive to live like Christ did, within our marriages and our families.
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Sex is always a sensitive subject and yet God designed sex within marriage; He gave His stamp of approval as well as His blessing upon it. Satan is a liar and because he is unable to create anything, his desire is to take what God has ordained as good and corrupt it.

In my own family, we have fallen into the pattern of generational curses. My grandmother in her younger years, conceived her 3 children, all out of wedlock back in the 1930's. She married twice and both times she was married to men who mistreated and abused her. (My grandmother with her first husband, 1939)

My grandmother was looking for a love, a self-worth and an approval that can only come from the Father above. My grandmother died when she was 86 and by that time, she had come full circle. She was one of the most giving, generous and loving Christian women I have ever known. (My sweet grandmother)

Her son, (my father) was raised by his mother and an abusive step-father. He married his first wife when he was very young and by the time he was 20, had fathered 4 children already! He met my mother (his 2nd wife) while he was stationed in Germany and they divorced by the time I was 6. (My parents, Friedberg, Germany 1959.)

He married a 3rd time and he and my stepmother have 5 children together. Last year, the day my husband had his cancer surgery, I found out that he had fathered another child in 1966 while he was still married to my mother. In 1977, he gave his life to the Lord and is one of the wisest and most Godly men you will ever meet. Sin however, ALWAYS carries a consequence and while we are a new creation in Christ we have to take responsibility for our behaviors.
(1970, with my father and 3 of my siblings.)
In my early years I grew up without the nurturing of my father. I sought his approval and despised myself at the same time because I saw no worth within myself. In the course of my teenage and early adult years I lived a promiscuous lifestyle, seeking love and approval in the men around me. Even though, my Mom had remarried and my stepfather, "POP" lavished me with love and affection, I was involved in VERY self-destructive behaviors; it's only by God's grace that I didn't wind up with AIDS or dead by drunk driving. (My Mom and POP, 2008.)

It's sobering today to think of the person I USED to be and how God saved me from myself! I have allowed God to heal my wounds and affirm me as His child. I know that my worth is indeed great because He allowed His Son to die for me but as I have said before, sin carries consequences and I have had to take responsibility for the ugly and shameful things I have done in my life.

God has been gracious and merciful to me. I am married to a Godly man that I love passionately. When we met, he was a baby Christian and I was a wounded Christian. (Dave and I, engaged to be married.)

He could never relate to my past and yet he has loved me and has remained committed to our marriage. We have raised 4 children together and we have come to understand the concept of oneness designed by God.

In April of last year, the day we began hospice for my Mother, Dave found out he had very aggressive Prostate Cancer. I was back home in St Louis, he was here in Texas and my world felt black and empty as I sat on the side of the road, screaming...God cradled me in His arms and spoke His peace over me. (Our family and POP at my Mom's funeral.)

We buried my Mom in May and in June, Dave had surgery. The surgery was successful, all the cancer in and around as well as the Prostate, was removed. Fortunately it hadn't spread and he has made a full recovery. Well, almost full.(Dave after his surgery, June 2011)


Things are different then before. Ironically, I had believed that sex and love were one and the same thing when I was young and without Christ. Today I live within Christ and experience deeper contentment and fuller joy in our marriage relationship even though the act of sex is now different. It has been an adjustment to say the least but one we are weathering. (Good thing we are both creative! I know, TMI!) I had no idea that God had been preparing me along the way, bringing me to a place where I could actually feel CLOSER to Dave than ever before. Don't get me wrong, I MISS our old life, it was a huge part of our marriage. However, God has taken us to an even deeper intimacy in our relationship, one that we never knew existed. (Bryce Canyon Lodge, October 2011.)

The older I get, the more I realize how little I know. God's Kingdom Principles go beyond what our finite, human minds can imagine. What appear to be contradictions really aren't and what seemingly makes NO sense is in fact, quite logical. Those who think that Christians live a boring and bland life don't have a clue of the depth and fullness of riches we experience; we who TRULY live in Christ!!!

WOW! PART TWO

My busyness continued with a planned trip to St Louis 3 days after I returned from Montana. I have gone home to St Louis every February since Aly was born in 2004. Ashley was born in February of 2006 so I've been able to go to their party and celebrate. When I booked my flight for this year (back in December) Jennifer and I set the date to coincide with their Dance Competition. Although I didn't make the party this year I was able to watch them perform as well as help Jennifer recuperate from major surgery. Her surgery came up suddenly but God brought it all together so I could be there at just the right time! I made a lot of meals and lavished a lot of time and attention on people near and dear to my heart!

I decided to have lunch with Aly one day at school and surprised her by bringing my dad along! I love being able to spend time with him!

Me and my Aly-Cat!

Back at the house, Dad actually manages to get Fenway to hold still! By the time dad left he had spoiled him with tons of his doggy treats!

Naturally, I did the same thing for Ashley a couple of days later!

My Dad with his youngest great grand-daughter!

Me and Ashy Bee!


(So it was more like brunch since those kids have to eat SO early!)

The Dance Competition!
(My baby looks awfully darn good just 3 days after surgery!)


(Wonderful grand-kiddos!)
(There's just something about little boys!)

WOW!

So much has happened since I was last on here. We almost bought our retirement home in Montana, I went home to St Louis while our oldest daughter Jennifer was recovering from major surgery AND we just returned from a weekend getaway to Denver. Needless to say I have been relaxing the past couple of days as well as trying to get over some kind of sinus/cold souvenir I brought home from Colorado...

First off the house...
Although Dave's retirement is 5 years out, we've been actively looking for our retirement home. I have spent countless hours pouring through real estate listings looking for something that we BOTH agree upon. We are wanting a log type home, *2000 sq feet, 3 bedrooms, (Master Bedroom HAS to be on the main level), 2 bathrooms, wood flooring, wood burning fireplace or stove on 2-3 acres of land with a lot of trees. It has to be fairly close to a large community so that we will have access to doctors, amenities, etc but not too close. We have a certain price range in mind and I would LOVE to have a basement as well. I like the idea of Dave being able to move his Colorado Milk Bottle/Colorado Dairy collection to one location as well as some storage for us. Living in manufactured housing our entire marriage has created storage challenges to say the least.

I have seen many houses over the years that I have gotten excited about only to find that Dave didn't share my same enthusiasm. That changed however on the turn of a dime! I found a home that had only been on the market for 2 days, met all of our criteria (except it didn't have a basement) in Columbia Falls and we agreed that I should contact the realtor about it, which I did. I was prepared to fly out to Montana ASAP if necessary, which I did! On short notice I booked my flight to Missoula for the next day which meant I was routed first to Los Angeles, then Denver and finally Missoula! I spent all day up in the air, in airports and was in 3 different time zones, finally arriving in Missoula at 4:30 in the afternoon. The realtor had suggested I stay the night there and make the 2.5 hour drive to Whitefish in the morning since they were getting snow.

The next morning I made the drive north, allowing for road conditions and scenery stops. Before I go any further it must be said that I have had a love affair with Montana since 2004. While driving to the Little Bighorn National Monument I had crested a hill on the interstate and the feeling that washed over me is best described as spiritual. Since that time I have had a connection to the land that I can't put into words. Never felt that way before and haven't felt that way (about any other place) since! Driving that day up to Whitefish was sheer delight! Lake County and Flathead County have some seriously gorgeous scenery!

Whitefish, Columbia Falls and Kalispell are in small proximity of one another as well as they have the distinction of being the "Gateway to Glacier", Glacier National Park being my favorite of the National Parks. I hooked up with the realtor who told me that in the time it took for me to get from Dallas to Missoula an offer had been made on the house! He had been shocked to learn of this because in the past, the house had been on the market with no offers AND real estate does NOT sell in Montana in February!! The seller had recently lowered the house and had it relisted when I came across it. The realtor had done tons of legwork, getting me more in depth pictures-to the point where viewing the house was merely a formality-Dave and I had all but purchased the home already in our minds. I felt defeated and let down to find out what had happened. We went and viewed the home at 11 that morning. After we viewed it, I called Dave and via a 3-way conversation, told him we needed to act on it.

(Our ALMOST home.)

(The Whitefish Range as seen from the driveway.)

We proposed a very strong contract but in the end we lost the house to the first bid. In a questionable (at least in our minds) move, the other buyers decided to forgo an inspection of the home! Needless to say, the seller jumped on it! I was surprised but not devastated by the turn of events; Dave took it harder than I did and I had been the one to actually see the house! Immediately I felt God telling me that He has something else in mind for us and we all know that if it comes from Him, it's going to blow our socks off!

There are some people that might ask me why God allowed me then to spend the money and the time making a trip up there for nothing? I can only say that I took away a LOT of positives from this experience!

I believe that God hooked us up with the perfect realtor for us. Time and time again that was confirmed when I saw the great lengths this guy went to while working on our behalf! He has the knowledge, the contacts (he also serves on the Chamber of Commerce) and the integrity to represent us and our interests. That's something I could only find out in a face to face meeting with him!

This trip confirmed once and for all that THIS is the area we want to retire in! We have considered a few other places but now I can direct my energies in a specific way!
(Main Street, Whitefish with Big Mountain Ski Resort in the background.)

We were forced to come up with a budget (sooner than we had planned) and learned that we could actually maintain 2 houses if need be. THIS is HUGE!

In the time that I have been back here God has told me something else: Don't compromise on your dream!

It's okay to be specific with our requests and I believe that a basement is in our future! That probably sounds stupid to some people but no detail is too big or too trivial to my God!

Trust is easy when you don't HAVE to trust God for something!