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Dave and I will celebrate our 26th Anniversary this year and while we are crazier about each other than ever (or maybe we're just crazier than ever!) it wasn't always this way. When we married in 1986, I was a single mom with 2 little girls and Dave had ZERO experience when it came to being a parent.
(1986-The adventure begins)
(1986- Dave and I have become a family, my folks are also in the picture).Within a week of our wedding, he was in Lincoln, Nebraska working a new position for the Railroad and I was coordinating a move of all of our household stuff and our mobile home. By May of 1987, we had added a 3rd daughter to our family and our life was full. We didn't have family nearby so leaving the girls with Grandma for a weekend so we could have some time to ourselves, was out of the question. We did make friends with another couple from our church and we would barter baby sitting. Needless to say, with our 3 kids and their 3 kids, I was more excited about going out on our date then I was about reciprocating for their date! We had something going for us though, we were both committed to God and to our marriage and we knew that divorce was NOT an option.
(Our family, the Nebraska years)In October 1990, we added our son to our family and 2 weeks later, Dave was working a new position in Trinidad, Colorado with the Railroad. With a brand new baby, my hormones in an uproar, I had to once again coordinate a move of our family. This move was very hard on me. One part of me was excited to be moving to Colorado since our family loves to camp and be outdoors. Once I was there however, I found out that the town was very depressing, had a high rate of domestic violence, was closed to outsiders and was the "Sex Change Capital Of America". I kid you not! My low point was sitting in our mobile home, waiting for them to connect the electricity. It was December, there was no heat and I was trying to put things away. I had our son bundled up in his snowsuit, sitting in his car seat covered with blankets, in the suns rays to keep him warm. I just sat there and bawled my eyes out! I wanted my Mom so bad, I couldn't stand it!
Dave was learning a new job, a new territory and I was a wreck! I was able to find us a Christmas tree that year, a pathetic "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree", a small Pinyon Pine that we decorated and I scrounged gifts for the kids at the small Wal Mart in town. We managed to go on dates on occasion but we were 90 miles from Pueblo, Colorado so we didn't do that very often. What we did do however, was go on a lot of family camp outs. I will be the first one to tell you that as a Mom, camping with small kids, is a LOT of work! We made a ton of memories during those times. I think that's essential, it strengthens ties within the family and kept our hearts connected.
(Our family, the Colorado years) In those early years, we struggled with intimacy in our marriage. Our generation grew up during a time when most Moms were still stay at home ones, which was the case in Dave's family. I however, had been raised by a single Mom and I had seen how hard it was for her to be both mother and father. I had my hands full with little kids so I didn't take a keen interest in his job. Frankly I didn't think I had the time or the energy! Dave never thought to enter into my world, or help me with the kids because quite frankly he believed that was MY job. I wasn't working outside the home and so we each had our jobs. What I couldn't get him to understand was that I was on call 24 hours a day; when he came home he typically was not. I found myself getting resentful at times, even angry but once again, our commitment to God and to each other and our family kept us going, sheer willpower!
In 1993, Dave was promoted again and we moved to the Dallas/Ft Worth area; the transition was smoother in many ways than our previous ones. I didn't mind moving and being essentially an optimist, I could see the good things that were tucked away inside of the experience. Frankly, I was just glad to get out of Trinidad! Not long after we moved here to Texas, I had a dream about the town of Trinidad. It sits at the base of Raton Pass just 14 miles from the New Mexico state line and many times you have fog that covers the town. God gave me insight into how the fog was a lot like oppression and spiritual warfare that had a stronghold on that town. In a lot of ways our lives had improved but intimacy was still a struggle for us.
(Our family, the Texas years)I think things really changed for us once we were planted into our current church in 2000. We had attended church our entire marriage, some were better than others and our kids were taught about Christ there as well as in our home. I remember Dave and I hitting a really rough patch in our marriage at the time we changed churches. God revealed a nugget of truth to me that I hold onto until today.
"God is about to move in a powerful way otherwise satan wouldn't be opposing you so much right now. Hang in, don't give up because God has good things just around the corner."
Being where God wanted us to be made a HUGE difference in our marriage!! We began extending more grace to one another, more understanding, we began serving each other more and more. Dave has a very strong personality and for years I had the attitude that I was going to have to stand up for myself otherwise he would run right over the top of me. I became submissive even when I didn't feel like it, less argumentative and so on. Dave began changing as well. He became more considerate of my feelings, appreciated the differences in our personalities and the womanly perspective I brought to our relationship, his razor sharp tongue was silenced more and more and we finally began experiencing a measure of REAL intimacy for the first time in our married lives.
By now our kids were older and the younger ones could be left with the older ones for small amounts of time. Making memories of just the 2 of us began growing the intimacy between us. We had never had one on one time because I brought 2 little girls into our relationship so for us, this was a new experience! By the time we had college age kids, we could go away for a weekend getaway knowing that the younger ones were well cared for. That was when we realized we needed to invest into our relationship like never before!
Now we are empty-nesters. Our youngest is a 21 year old in college and we are looking at Dave's retirement in 5 years. Where we are now in our relationship is a gift from God pure and simple. Our commitment to God was unwavering, divorce was NEVER an option. We remained committed to one another and our family in spite of the odds stacked against us. Carving out time for each other was a rarity but so essential to our relationship! I think it's only the grace of God that kept us together during those early, hard years.
(2011-Our family, 25 years later)My advice:
Be deeply rooted in a Bible based church that preaches the word of God. Don't just be a Sunday attender so you can check it off your to do list! Attend a church where they aren't worried about offending you, you don't need your ears tickled. You need hard truth, as it lines up with God's word to transform you more into the image of Christ!! Be involved, join a small group where you can "do life" with others and build level 10 relationships for accountability. Consider serving in a ministry together. For many years Dave and I were Youth Group Leaders.!
Plan time for yourselves, you need to remind yourself that you are more than someone's mother or father, have fun with each other and be silly!
(Dave and I at a Youth Fall Festival get together!)A marriage based on looks, sex and material possessions doesn't have the deep roots to bend and withstand the inevitable storms of life. Go beyond the surface, grow roots in your marriage!
(2012-The adventure continues!!)
