CHRISTMAS PREPARATIONS

The tree has been bought, strung with lights and every ornament hung with love and care. Laura and I did our baking (over 500 cookies and 700+ candies) and the trays have all been delivered.
What are we baking for 2010?

Gathering the ingredients.

Doing the prep work!

Laura Lou frosting the German Chocolate Cookies!

The Queen of the Peanut Butter Snowballs!

My right-hand gal dipping Gingersnaps and Ritz Peanut Butter Crackers!!

Turtle Bites, ready to go into a tin!

19 Tins full of goodies!

Fixing the trays.

The trays about to be delivered.

My Christmas cards along with my annual newsletter have been sent. The gifts are wrapped and I just need a couple of gift cards to round things out. The house is decorated to the hilt as it always is and the rubbermaid containers are stored away. Yes, everything seems to be done, all the Christmas preparations for 2010 have been checked off the list.

So what am I missing?

GIVING MYSELF PERMISSION

My blogging, as of late has been at a standstill and I have learned to be okay with that. There are days I just don't have the energy to even READ other blogs let alone WRITE my own. I have had to give myself permission to no longer beat myself up over this as well as other stuff. Simply put, it is what it is...

From time to time I get on here, ramble about stuff and end up deleting it. It feels like I'm going through the motions and I refuse to write if I don't feel the passion. I have realized that I am grieving even though my Mom is still with us. That might seem odd to some but it is true for me. In my heart, my emotions swing like a giant pendulum from the side of hope to despair. Yesterday during praise and worship at church, I was singing with gusto at one moment and sobbing the next. I'm sure this is normal and I am seriously thinking of looking for a book at the Christian Bookstore that deals with this whole subject.

Throughout this trial I have been surrounded by an incredible support system! Top on the list is God Himself! The Holy Spirit has empowered me in so many ways that I am actually able to recognize the JOY of that, in the midst of my sadness!

Dave has been my rock; he has been incredibly compassionate and understanding of me. I'm sure having lost his Mom gives him special insight even though he is a man and in his case, ruled by logic and reason. I have drawn on him and his quiet strength like never before!

My children are wonderful! They have been in contact with my folks, letting them know that they are deeply loved. Since my Mom's auto-immune system has been wiped out not to mention her fatigue combined with her concerns and anxiety of daily living with a Colostomy, (She has had nearly constant diareeh while on chemo) they really haven't been up for company. Not seeing them has been hard on my kids but they understand.

My friends have been wonderful. I have had to give myself permission to stop feeling guilty about my lack of communication. They are kept in the loop as to what's going on and I receive e-mails and phone messages telling me of their love and concern; receiving that makes my heart soar even when I feel like my wings are broken! Returning phone calls has become very difficult for me. I am an incredibly social and extroverted person so that seems SO abnormal for me. I realize that I can only talk about my Mom's illness just SO much, then multiply that by retelling it over and over and it wears me down even more than I already am!! I told a dear friend who is in the midst of her own cancer crisis with her dad that "I am tired of being on the verge of tears all of the time". I have had to draw my line in the sand on allowing negativity to over run my life! In many ways, I have cocooned myself away, much like a wounded animal withdraws so that it can focus its energies on healing. I never thought that I could be that way and yet here I am...

Some days find me better than others. This experience, as awful as it has been is teaching me something valuable. At this moment in time I can't see the whole sum of it but I just have to trust that God is faithful and that one day I will look back and see how far he has brought me. Along this incredibly LONG journey, taken with baby steps, I know that God is at work within me, transforming me more each day to bear the likeness of His son Jesus Christ. I am constantly reminded of part of a poem written by Russell Kelfer that author Rick Warren quotes in his book, "The Purpose Driven Life":
"No that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into His likeness you would grow."


I have to believe that purpose can be found within our suffering...it's what gets me through the day.

MARRIAGE MONDAY

It's Marriage Monday and it's time once again to encourage each other in our sacred commitments. Join in and share your views on this month's topic:
"JOY FOR TWO AT CHRISTMAS"

Want this button?
There are 4 choices:
Our Private Christmas Traditions
Advent Scriptures To Savor Together
12 Gifts Gifts Men Love That Don't Cost A Cent
Wild Card

I have really been struggling this year preparing my heart and spirit for Christmas. Most everyone knows that my Mom is fighting for her life against cancer and barring Divine Intervention, this will be her last Christmas. This breaks my heart beyond words...

Yesterday, I was feeling under the weather. I awoke at 2:15 Sunday morning with all the symptoms of the stomach flu train, rolling into the station! I do believe getting a flu shot prevented me from a full train derailment! I was pretty run-down all day, slept a lot and ate very little! This morning I am back on track and raring to go! (Dave is a Railroader so this analogy just popped into my head!)

One of the things I did yesterday was watch one of my favorite Christmas movies, "One Magic Christmas" while Dave was at Church Bowling League (I have to post-bowl this afternoon). I have been teased by my family for as long as this movie has been out, about my love for this movie and their disdain for it! Yes, it's a knock off of "It's A Wonderful Life" but it's from a woman's perspective and it has an enchanting North Pole/Santa Clause twist that I enjoy. In classic form, after being shown that she has MUCH to be thankful for and that it can be taken away in an instant, the woman is reformed, focused and grateful for the blessings of her husband and children!

Yesterday that was me! I told Dave last night that my Mom's cancer is a monster that is consuming EVERYTHING in my life and the more I feed it, the hungrier it is! It's the first thing I think about in the morning, it's the last thing I think about when I close my eyes at night and it hovers over me all the day long. When the movie was over I sat there and cried because I have lost sight of so much that is wonderful in my life! I have been blessed with children, grandchildren, wonderful parents, amazing friends who are so supportive and a husband that I am more wildly in love with after all of these years than I was was back when we shared our very first Christmas together!

There is something about sharing your life with your best friend that brings comfort even when our hearts are suffering. Dave has walked this road before losing his Mom to cancer in 2006 and now his dad this past summer. Granted, his is a male perspective and ruled by logic and reason but he understands me...Our trials have bound our hearts even closer together. We've shared many Christmas' over the years; years where I was pregnant, we had small children, teenagers and now, empty-nesters.

I remember many late Christmas Eve's spent baking pies for Christmas dinner, wrapping the last of the kids gifts, filling stockings and then falling exhausted into bed only to be awakened on Christmas morning before the sun was even up! One year, before putting them to bed, we told the kids not to wake us up before 7AM on Christmas morning. We then proceeded to set all the clocks back one hour, ensuring us sleep until 8AM! Now THAT was hilarious! In our home, opening gifts has never been a "free for all"; we go in orderly fashion, taking turns so that each gift and giver can be fully appreciated.

Life is slower paced now which is enjoyable but I miss the frantic, noisy-ness of children living at home. Still, I am content...

UNMOTIVATED

I LOVE Christmas! I love decorating, baking, addressing the Christmas cards, wrapping gifts and so on. Can I just say for the record that my heart's just not in it this year....

I KNOW that the focus of Christmas is NONE of the things that I just mentioned, it's about the love of God for mankind, expressed in human form in the person of Jesus Christ.

However, when cancer is threatening the life of someone dear to you, it's difficult to stay focused on the true meaning of Christmas. Most of the time you think of just making it through the day.

That's me, where I am right now-raw, wounded and brutally honest...

The older I get the more I find myself reflecting. I am sure that no longer having children living at home is a part of that as well. Life WAS simpler when I was a child. Even though my Mom struggled to make ends meet and provide for us I always enjoyed Christmas. It was never extravagant (especially by today's standards and a single Mom's salary) but I never felt like I lacked in anything despite the fact that we were too poor to pay attention. I usually got a gift and an outfit from my Mom for Christmas and of course my Grandmas always had something for me, usually clothes too. Considering I went to Catholic school and had to wear a uniform, the gift of clothing was a treat!

We had a small artificial tree, probably 3 feet tall that sat on the corner end table. It wasn't anything that would appear in a Martha Stewart magazine but I didn't know any different. It could have been one of those silver aluminum ones with the rotating color wheel and I wouldn't have cared. It was ours, decorated with ornaments that my Mom had brought from Germany with her when she came to this country. It probably took us a total of 30 minutes to assemble the tree, hang the ornaments and string tinsel on it; unlike today where I spend HOURS just getting 100's of lights on the tree!

I remember being at my Grandma's house and watching the Christmas specials-
"How The Grinch Stole Christmas", "Charlie Brown Christmas", "Frosty The Snowman" and "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer". Outside the wind would be blowing, my Mom might be out shopping and I would be snuggled up by the space heater watching TV. Through it all, I felt S-A-F-E.

Now I am 50, my Grandma went to be with Jesus 10 years ago and in all liklihood, this is my Mom's last Christmas. Part of me yearns for those days when I was a child and life was so uncomplicated.

We don't get the luxury of standing still, life is always propelling us forward even when we want to dig in our heels and stay put!

STILL STANDING

In light of all that we are going through, I will try and do a little writing so I can have a sense of normalcy in my life.

We live our lives as if we are untouchable and when we DO have a traumatic event come up in our lives, it's as if we've had the rug pulled out from underneath our feet. I'm no different I guess...I have always had a scenario in my mind about how things would be and now I realize that all of that can change, in the blink of an eye.

Death doesn't frighten me for I know that my eternity has been bought and paid for by the blood of my Savior Jesus Christ. What makes me anxious these days is my concerns for Pop and how he will cope with the loss of my Mother. Barring Divine Intervention this will happen in the near future. I am sad for myself as well. I am very close to my Mom, we've shared so much together all the way back to when she was a struggling single Mom. She has had a lot to overcome in her lifetime and it has left her weary. Still, even this past Saturday on my final visit over Thanksgiving, she's not ready to give up yet.

My Mom and I are very different personalities but losing her will hit me hard! I already feel a bit lost and she is still here, I can not imagine how it will be later...I try not to dwell on that.

I have felt the undeniable power of the Holy Spirit sustaining me these last 6 months. He has empowered me to be, say and DO what has been required, at just the exact moment. God has been very near to me, wrapping His arms of comfort around me and has just let me sit "on His lap" and pour my heart out to Him.

I appreciate something a sweet sister in Christ (Lidj) wrote after losing her precious husband:

"As a Mother I am called to be the "family remembrancer", the one who remembers, the one who points out the signposts. I am also the gatekeeper, the watchman who stands guard, the priest who intercedes and who holds the cup of God's healing oil.
MAY I BE FOUND FAITHFUL!"

At the time I wrote this down on a 4x6 card I had no idea what was waiting down the road for us. God reminds me that I have a purpose in life and it is to bring glory to Him and point others towards Him. My children need to know that God is in control, that hasn't changed! We may be surrounded by difficulties and trials but God is faithful and will never allow us to slip from His grip. Separation is painful but it is only temporary in the light of eternity.

God does ALL things well, He is good, ALL the time!

THANKFULNESS

My list continues:

21.) I am thankful for sight. We take it for granted and yet try to imagine no longer having it? It would be so devastating! Those orbs that our Creator fashioned process information and translates it back to the brain giving us a visual picture! Is it any wonder that evolution takes more faith for me to believe in than our magnificent God, our Heavenly Father.

22.) Thankful for coffee with Hazelnut creamer! Nuf said!

23.) Thankful for my memories, they might be a tad fuzzy as I get older but there has been a lifetime of fun, smiles, being loved and giving love!

24.) Thankful that what the enemy intended as harm for me God has used for my good and His glory!

25.) Thankful for the sound of Dave's laughter! Marriage is all about sharing our sorrows but also the hilarious!

26.) Thankful for special friends in my life. I have 4 women that meet different areas of my life with their friendship. One is my mentor and one, I mentor! They are "level 10" relationships and are ALWAYS there for me.

27.) Pecan Pie!! Oh my goodness! Heaven in a crust!!

28.) The feel of grand-children's arms around my neck and hearing, "I love you GIGI". There is no sweeter music to my ears!

29.) Books! I LOVE to read and I love to learn!

30.) Thankful for HOPE. Even when life doesn't go according to OUR plans, we know that God has a future planned for us that we can't even begin to think or imagine!

We are heading home to St. Louis this afternoon for Thanksgiving vacation and I will be absent for a bit. Please pray for the usual traveling mercies but also please pray for us emotionally. This is the first holiday where now BOTH of Dave's parents are gone. We'll be staying at my in-law's home but it will be very different! The house is almost empty since the estate auction in October and I am sure this will be difficult for my beloved!

Please pray for me. I will be seeing my Mom for the first time since July. The chemo has robbed her of her hair, 45 pounds and has left visible reminders of its effects. I don't want to look shocked when I see her, she doesn't need that from me! Also, she told me last night that she has had a set back, her pain has returned and they had to do a cat scan. We will know the results soon but I admit, I am fearful that the tumor is growing and that THIS treatment isn't working either. In my heart I can't help but wonder if this isn't going to end according to MY plans. Please pray that my hope is strengthened!

GIVING THANKS LIST

Continuing on from yesterday, focusing on the numerous blessings in my life (in no particular order):

11.) I am thankful that even though I DO have health issues, I am still better off than so many others!

12.) My love for the outdoors! There's nothing like putting on my hiking boots, loading up my Camelbak and then being blown away by God's handiwork!

13.) Thankful that Dave is the best hiking partner for me! I am slower than him but his love of photography means he's constantly looking for photo ops and I can keep up!

14.) Dave's photography skills! A trip lives on forever through his artistry!

15.) Financially, God has always met our needs and then some!

16.)I have been to Germany several times when I was a child so that I could visit my grandparents and experience my mother's culture!!(My Mother & Grandmother)

17.)My love for preservation! Whether it's a special keepsake like my Grandmother's trunk, family photos or working on the Family Genealogy, I am a Memory Keeper!

18.) Our modest home! I don't need anything fancy, I am as content as can be, right here, right now in my double-wide!

19.) That God has given us opportunities to bless others with our time, talents and resources!

20.) Autumn!! it's my favorite time of the year! Wearing sweaters, crunching leaves, pumpkin pie, caramel apples, golden colors and fires in the fireplace!

SLUMP

Since I have been AWOL for quite some time I thought I should make my presence known so I won't be forgotten! I decided to work on a Thanksgiving List, things I am thankful for...in no particular order:

1.) My relationship with Jesus Christ-He has saved me for eternity & gives me the abundant life NOW to bring glory to His awesome name!

2.) Dave-I've been blessed to have shared my life with this wonderful man for over 1/2 my life now!

3.) My daughter Jennifer-she is so thoughtful and one of her many wonderful qualities is that she has the ability to make you feel loved with her "special touches" and attention to detail!

4.) My daughter Jessica-For her sweet sensitivity and her caring heart which is easily broken for others who are hurting!

5.) My daughter Laura-Her love language is gift-giving & she is always looking for something personal to give someone to convey her deepest feelings!

6.) My son Charles-His sense of humor & wit can brighten the darkest day & put a smile on my face!

7.) My mother Helga-Her sacrifices when I was a child & the values she instilled in me, have made me what I am today!

8.) My step dad "Pop"- He has loved me as one of his own over the years & my children as well. He tenderly & unselfishly cares for my Mom right now when she is at her most vulnerable battling cancer!

9.)My biological father Jim-I am grateful that God has restored that relationship & that God has healed me from those childhood hurts!

10.) My paternal grandmother who loved me to pieces when I was a little girl & could always put a calm & a peace over me when I was feeling tossed about!

Now that is a good start! I have much to be grateful for and I am just getting started!

BLOCKED

Too much on my heart these days to write anything worthwhile or unworthwhile.
Tis the season right now......

TRADITION

This weekend, our 8 year old grand-daughter, "Jelly Bean" spent the weekend with us. Every October for the last several years we have gone to a really cool pumpkin patch near our house. This year however, Grampy joined us for the first time! There are bounce houses, a train ride, scary displays, a maze made from hay bales, bouncy obstacle courses and slides, food and of course, pumpkins everywhere! Grampy was completely impressed and told me I HAD to buy a pumpkin from them to support them staying in business! I normally go to Sprawl Mart and get a nice pumpkin for under $4 but not this year!! Later that night as she was scooping out the pumpkin guts, we found 4 pumpkin seeds inside that had sprouted!! I've NEVER seen that before! She carved a peace sign on her pumpkin and we lit it up!

After, we dropped Grampy off at home and had lunch at McD's where she played in the Play Place and I endured a bunch of screaming and enthusiastic children! We saw the 3D movie, "Legend of the Guardians" (visually STUNNING!), Sunday she helped us greet at church, went to the bowling alley with us and bowled with the twin daughters of our fellow team mates, we made and decorated cookies and then last night, after she left I CRASHED!!



My how you've grown! Our first trip to the Pumpkin Patch 4 years ago.
















The years are zooming by! Again, this was our first trip 4 years ago!














Off to church!

FUNKY TOWN

Wont "chew" take me to...
FUNKY TOWN!!

No, disco isn't making a comeback (thank the Lord!), I'm just in a funk these days. It's just that season of life right now...

Dave went out of town this week and is coming home today, thank goodness. I get a little "lost" feeling some times when he goes out of town and I am here alone. I tend to not make the bed, eat fast food and let the house go to ruin while he's away. I like order and I don't know why I do that but maybe it's as simple as "because I can".

We celebrated Charlie's birthday last Sunday, I beat Dave 1 out of 3 games in bowling and came really close on another one and canned chili in the pressure canner yesterday. The excitement level is intense I tell ya!

Yesterday was the estate auction at Dave's parents' house back in St. Charles. I don't know yet how that went but it left me a little sad all day yesterday. I went through one of the containers that we brought home from there and when I opened it up, I could smell their house. Not a bad smell, just THEIR smell and it made me sad to think that their chapter is now closed. Weird is about the only word I can come up with to describe how unusual this is. One day, it'll be my folks that are gone and I will be feeling this way again, only worse.

Today my Mom has a BIG treatment at the Cancer Center where she gets double-dosed with drugs. She'll probably sleep the day and night away today. Still, I will check in and see how it went. I hate to admit this but sometimes I dread calling. I have been trying to be so optomistic and upbeat even though we've been in limbo since June. This has been so incredibly hard on my folks and I feel guilty whining about how this affects me!

Still...I HATE this!
I HATE how cancer dictates our lives right now! My waking and ending thoughts of every stinkin' day are focused on it!

I HATE wondering if this is the last Holidays we have with my Mom or if that was the last time I heard her sing me Happy Birthday!

I HATE worrying that Pop is running himself ragged!

I HATE the unfairness of it all! My Mom has endured so much in her life and now this!

I HATE that I worry about how this affects me! It seems wrong to think of myself and yet, I can't help it! I don't even want to imagine my life, minus her...

So I just feel adrift these days...like I'm sitting on a chunk of debris in a vast ocean being tossed all over the place. Nothing profound, no wisdom here today people, just feeling kind of raw.....

JUMBLED THOUGHTS FOR TODAY

Here lately in my quiet time I find myself thankful. It has to be a God thing since there is so much turmoil going on in our family. A couple of days ago I literally felt like I was imploding. Implosions turn inward while explosions turn outward. I am rather surprised that with all of the stress going on, I haven't twisted off on anyone as is my usual way. God has definitely helped me in the self-control area and I am sure that those closest to me are VERY grateful! I am ready for this year to end and to get a fresh start on a better one in 2011. I just don't think that's going to happen though, I'm not being negative I am just being realistic.

I told Dave recently that I feel that as we get older, life gets more complicated! Those days of being young and care-free are such a long time ago! I know we're supposed to grow and mature and think of others, that's what God calls us to, but there's something to be said about running along all self-involved, when you are focused on yourself you don't hurt for others as much! There will always be something and God calls us to persevere and run our race.

As I was praying I told the Lord that satan is attacking my family once again when he called to remembrance the verse from 1 Peter 5:8:

8Be well balanced (temperate, sober of mind), be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring [[a]in fierce hunger], seeking someone to seize upon and devour. (Amplified)

I have known that for how many years? Immediately though God reminded me of Rev. 5:5:

5Then one of the elders [[a]of the heavenly Sanhedrin] said to me, Stop weeping! See, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root (Source) of David, has won (has overcome and conquered)! He can open the scroll and break its seven seals!
(Amplified)

I need to remember that the Lion of Judah trumps satan's poor "imitation alley-cat" hands down every time! On our recent hiking trip God reminded me of something:

"Life is like a hike. Seldom is the trail level and easy going and it takes a lot of energy to make it to the top of the mountain. There are no shortcuts but the hard work results in magnificent views that you can't see otherwise! Sometimes I make good strides and other times I have to stop and take a lot of breaks, shuffling along but sooner or later, I do get there. When I am on the top, I will sit and soak up all the scenery and majesty that my poor, finite brain can process but eventually, I have to come down. I don't get to live on top of that mountain. That's how life is, you're either in the valley working your way up or on the mountaintop working your way down. The level, easy going trail unfortunately is a short one."

There will always be something. A weakness to bring under submission, a threat to our loved ones, a health issue, death and so on... I guess that this is my season and I had better gird my loins, take a deep breath and take the plunge!

IT IS FINISHED!

Today is our son's birthday, today he turns 20.


After 19 years, we are finally finished with having a teenager in the family! DANG! No wonder I have gray hair and Dave has NO hair! Am I supposed to feel differently now? Probably not! The more things change, the more they stay the same!!

He still wants to be a Meteorologist!


He still loves adventure!


He still loves to play video games!! (With Jelly Bean in 2003)


He still loves the outdoors!


He's still making me proud!



He's still a prankster!


He still has my heart!!