MAKING PLANS

I can't believe it's been a week since I last blogged! I have had something going on that has required a considerable amount of mental energy, leaving me drained. Satan has been working overtime on me and I am just going to have to rely fully on the Lord and let Him work it out! Down the road, I will be able to post about this and how God has went before me on this, making a way for me through the fog.

Dave returned to work this past Monday. It's hard to believe that, in just shy of 2 weeks that he had his prostate removed and has recovered enough to resume his work duties full-time. He began jogging a little yesterday, 1/2 mile and then 1 1/2 miles today! No Thanks! I don't jog OR run, not even if a herd of Grizzlies are after me! My short, fat legs just won't cooperate! I'll hike for miles and hours on end just don't ask me to run...

Speaking of hiking...I am getting pretty excited about leaving on our Yellowstone trip 4 weeks from tomorrow! We typically visit Yellowstone at least once a year and have hiked countless miles there! Dave has a few new hikes on the itinerary this year, one in particular sounds daunting- "7 Mile Hole". It descends down into the canyon of the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone and then naturally, you have to hike back up out if it!! I have read that it's a strenuous, 10 mile round trip hike with 1400 feet elevation gain and supposedly takes 5 hours....yeah right! We typically stay for an hour at our destination point, a reward for all of our efforts to get there. Dave is a Photographer who takes pictures along the way and I am slow, so this is going to be an all day hike I'm sure!!
(Dave and I in Yellowstone, Summer 2010 on the Point Sublime Trail. We'll be hiking down into this canyon!)

We'll have some of our normal hikes that we enjoy and a return to a couple of places that we haven't been to in a while. I am getting excited to say the least! I have begun wearing my new ASOLO hiking Boots that we bought this Spring, on our morning walks to get them better broken in. I'll probably have a good 50+ miles logged in on these by the time we leave. I'll be bringing my good old COLUMBIA boots as a back up. Oh how I wish those ones were water-proof! When you hike your feet have to be happy and my COLUMBIA's definitely make my feet happy!

ENJOYING LIFE

Today is filled with contentment. I am off work today so Dave and I will go out later and run a few errands. We walked 3 miles this morning-we were talking so much we didn't realize how much ground we were covering! I am in a great mood!
(Grampy & "Kit-Kat", March 2011)

Vacation plans are officially a go and 5 weeks from today, we will be Yellowstone bound! When we learned that Dave had Prostate Cancer his "Wilderness Man Fishing Trip" with our son Charlie, Dave's best friend Big Charlie as well as Big Charlie's son David, had to be cancelled. It has been rescheduled for June 2012. With its cancellation, 2 weeks were suddenly freed up and Dave threw out a couple of suggestions for a 1 week trip in August, Yellowstone being one of them.

I've written countless times that Yellowstone is Dave's favorite National Park and since the choice was left up to me, I voted for Yellowstone. My rationale was based on the unknown, not knowing what we might be facing and that Yellowstone might be a much needed pick me up for Dave. I don't regret my choice even with the excellent report we received! It'll just be the 2 of us with some hikes planned for most days.

I am viewing that trip as a reward from God. I like what Dave said the other day,

"I think we've earned it!"

I couldn't agree more!!

TOO SOON?

Is it too soon to think that Dave is a cancer survivor? Probably so but after experiencing the decline of my Mom to cancer and ultimately witnessing her death last month, Dave's good report has me feeling triumphant!
(Grampy & 'The Bean", October 2010)


He had his Post-Op appointment yesterday where they removed the catheter, AKA "the ball & chain" and the Surgeon went over the findings of the Pathology report, he was VERY pleased with the results! He reminded us however that this WAS serious and not to minimize the aggressiveness of this cancer. I am thankful that Dave has been so diligent with his annual physical! He exhibited NO symptoms whatsoever when they caught this! As aggressive as this cancer was, by the time he WOULD have shown signs, in all likelihood, it would have been a different outcome for us! Dave has to go back in 30 days for blood work and then every 3 months for the first year. At this point in time, no follow up for chemo and/or radiation! We went in knowing it was a 50/50 shot that it was a possibility but thankfully, that's not necessary. He will be returning to work already this Monday.

Since his release from the hospital last Wednesday we have been out walking every morning, about 2.5 miles now. The doctor told him he could begin jogging again on Monday as well. Before his surgery he usually jogged in the evenings but he has decided to continue going out early in the morning even after he goes back to work. I DO NOT jog so I will walk while he's out there being a maniac! I've enjoyed our early morning walks, chatting, watching the sun rise and so on....

I am drawn back to something our son-in-law said to me on April 18th, the day Dave told me the biopsy diagnosed him with Prostate Cancer. He said,
"You and Dave are already close, I can't imagine how much closer this is going to make you."
I remember at the time thinking that was a really sweet thing to say but now, 2 months later, we are closer than I could have ever imagined!

This experience has bound our hearts together even tighter. I am convinced that without the Lord Himself being that 3rd cord, we would have unraveled! I am still trying to process EVERYTHING that the Lord has done, what He has been, how He has sustained us and I think I will still being seeing the ripple effects in years to come!

"A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12 (New Living Translation)

PATHOLOGY REPORT

Yesterday was a good day! The best thing that happened was that the Surgeon called us last night with Dave's Pathology Report on the tissue and lymph node samples that they took last Tuesday morning. In his words, it was an excellent report! No cancer in any of it! When I answered the phone he told me that he wasn't certain that anyone had called us yet with Dave's results so he was doing some follow up. WOW, a personal phone call! Tomorrow is the post-op appointment and we will have some follow up questions to ask. I feel as if we just dodged, not a bullet but a mortar round!!

Dave told me that right after his surgery he received his first "specific" peace over our situation. We both had had the "generic" peace, the kind that says,
"God's handling this one"
but nothing specific that says the cancer is not going to be an issue. Dave had that reassurance right after he came out of surgery. I think in some ways I am in a bit of a shock and in other ways I am unruffled because God assured us all along that He was in control.
(Dave in Sequoia/Kings Canyon National Parks with the Sierra Nevada range in the distance.)

I've been thinking a LOT lately about faith and trust. It used to be I thought that they were one and the same but not so much any more. Faith is knowing and believing that God is more than able to come through on our behalf. Trust is surrender, pure and simple; whatever the process, whatever the means that God is working this out, He will do it in the way that is best. I'm always drawn to something I remember from Beth Moore's study on "DANIEL".

When WE are in the fiery furnace sometimes God will deliver us FROM the fire, sometimes God delivers us IN the fire and sometimes, God delivers us THROUGH the fire.

He decides which way is best for us and which way will glorify His Son best.

This morning I feel like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego,
"...not a hair singed, not a scorch mark on their clothes, not even the smell of fire on them!" (Daniel 3:27)

THE CALM

The last few days we have been in a state of regrouping ourselves. The surgery is behind us, Dave is home and is recovering. (Dave and I on my surprise Balloon Ride for my 50th Birthday! October 2010)


We are waiting for the pathology results on tissue, etc that they took during the surgery. I had hoped we would know something by Friday but we didn't hear from the Doctor's office. It would be nice to hear back tomorrow but if not, Dave has a Post-Op appointment on Wednesday. I am trying to keep a grip on myself since we had to go 2 weeks before hearing the results from his MRI which indicated cancer outside the prostate. One can't help but think to themselves,
"Hmmm...?"

Dave is bound to his "ball & chain", the Catheter but that should come out on Wed at the Post-Op appointment. He's been walking daily, resting and limiting his intake of pain medication. (John Wayne would be proud!) He's handling the inactivity pretty well considering he is a guy who is always on the move. I too have slowed down the pace; usually he and I are fulfilling commitments out the wazoo! He is "SLUG" and I am "SLUG-ETTE"!

Dave's brother Perry and my sis in law left yesterday morning, homeward bound. Their company was such a breath of fresh air! They had figured they would be doing work around here, laundry, lawn, etc but we had taken care of everything before hand. What they gave us was SO much more than practical help, they gave us emotional support, diversion, laughter and love! Dave and I will cherish their giving of themselves for the rest of our lives!

Today is Father's Day but he had requested before his surgery to celebrate NEXT weekend. Another quiet, laid back day for us today. He's not up for church since that would also entail wearing pants (to cover the catheter) in 100+ degree heat! I am still debating on whether I will go. I am sure I'll have to answer a lot of inquiries and IT IS Father's Day as well. A part of me feels like I NEED to be there however, offering up my praises to God and worshiping Him with love and gratitude.

When I see it in writing it's a no-brainer...I am going to go and get myself ready for church!

LIFE AT HOME

I went to the hospital yesterday morning and Dave confirmed that he was being sprung by noon-and he was!! He was already untethered from IV's but he used the IV pole to hang the catheter bag from and for support while we roamed the halls again. We got instructions and we were out of there by 11:30 and home by 12:30!

He is doing GREAT! His pain is more related to his back and shoulder than it is to his actual surgery! He was having some rotator cuff issues already and we believe that him being splayed out on that "ironing board" that they call a table, really aggravated it! Between massages, "Icy-Hot" and a heating pad, we're trying to work the discomfort out.
(Before being discharged, trying to massage the soreness out of his shoulder and back.)

We all pretty much vegged out in front of the TV yesterday, ordering pizza for dinner. Perry & Peggy headed back to their hotel around 7 PM and Dave was sleeping on the couch by 7:30! I called it a night at 10 and went to bed, leaving him on the couch. I got up and checked on him around 1:30, went back to bed and slept until 5 AM. When I got up at 5 he was awake.

As it turns out he woke up around midnight, was up for about an hour and then went back to bed. He showered this morning, had a breakfast of Scrambled Eggs with Biscuits & Gravy and then the 2 of us walked about 1 1/2 miles this morning!

He's resting on the couch, Superman is home and my heart is happy...

BEHIND US

Yesterday was one of the longest days of my life! I awoke before the alarm went off and we were out the door by 4:40 AM, bound for downtown Dallas. It was pretty quiet between us, both of us having lots on our minds during the 45 minute drive. We got him checked in and around 5:30 they took him back to prep him for surgery. Our dear friend Randy arrived a short time later and around 6 they called me so I could go back to be with Dave. At 6:40 I got Randy so we could pray together over Dave. At 7 they wheeled him into surgery, half of my heart was suddenly gone...
(God knew that this little David would grow up to be a man like King David, one who would seek him with his whole heart!)

The time in the waiting area passed rather well. We were joined by Perry and Peggy and the mood was kept light. We shared stories, lots of smiles and laughter and I held it together pretty well. Once in a while I'd begin to think about what was actually being done to Dave and I'd get pretty quiet. I think Perry could tell because out of the blue, he'd say something and focus my attention elsewhere. The Surgeon said he would call me on my cell phone rather than the "house phone" to let me know how things went. Imagine my anxiety when the Receptionist called my name and told me he wanted to see me! I waited in the Consultation Room, telling satan to shut up and keep his doubts and fears to himself. I prayed and told God,
"Whatever this is, You will see us through this!"
As it turned out he was unable to reach me on my piece of cr*p cell phone!

The Surgeon told me that the surgery went VERY well and that he got all the cancer. In removing the Prostate he was able to leave nerve endings and tissue on the left side, which increases his chances to have normal function. We should have the Pathology report by Friday evening which will tell us more. The Surgeon told me that he would be moving into recovery soon and that he was pleased at how things went. I went back out to the waiting area, huddled our group together and shared the positive report. Finally, I took a deep breath and fell into Perry's hug and cried!

I was more antsy waiting for him to come out of recovery and settling into his room than I was during his actual surgery! We were given his room number, went up to the 7th floor and waited for him in the family room to come up. I hung in the doorway anxious to catch a glimpse of him. It was the same feeling you get when you are waiting at the airport for someone you love to come down the walkway. You haven't seen them for a long time and the anticipation of your reunion just overwhelms you! Suddenly, there he was and he waved at me!! My heart melted and the tears flowed!

Once they got him settled and we were allowed into his room, I breathed another deep breath! He was still pretty out of it but he was talking to us. We decided to go eat some lunch so he could sleep a little more and Randy headed into work.

Jessica, Laura, Charlie and "The Bean" (they snuck her in) came a short time later bringing a bunch of balloons, a candy bouquet and a "Bowl 'O Fun" to keep Dave occupied (everything from silly string to bubbles and everything in between!) They left a short time later and grabbed a bite to eat with Perry and Peggy leaving Dave and I alone. We both dozed a bit, he in his bed obviously and I on the couch in his room.

At 3:30, the Nurse helped him to get out of bed and into a chair to sit up for a while. After sitting a while he got up and paced, taking baby steps around the room. As soon as he was given the thumbs up, we were walking the hall! After being on his feet for about an hour, he decided to lie back down and rest. Perry and Peggy came back and a little later on, we were walking the hall again.

Around 8:30, the 3 of us left to head back up to Denton and get a good night's sleep!

Dave looks amazing! He is not going to be kept down for long! His pain is tolerable, he IS on some pain medication but as of last night was determined that he wasn't going to take anything stronger-especially when he learned that it can impede the healing and recovery process! I will head back into Dallas once the morning rush hour traffic has let up. He is supposed to be discharged today and I know he will be glad to be back home.

One of my favorite songs by HILLSONG United has been running through my mind this morning. Offering praise and worship to the only One worthy of all we are!!

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

NORMAL LIFE

Dave is one who makes every moment in life count! This man lives life intentionally! (Dave with his biggest Northern Pike ever, 19 lbs. 3 oz.June 2009, Stout Lake, Ontario, Canada!)

Last night 2 of my favorite people made it into town! Dave's youngest brother Perry and his wife Peggy (one of my besties!) took vacation time this week to come from St. Charles to Texas for Dave's surgery. Words can't express how much this means to Dave and I to have their support! Knowing that they will be with me while I am in the surgery waiting room, just fills me up with love and gratitude.

(Perry and Peggy, Old Faithful Inn, Yellowstone NP, Fall 2008)


Dave's best friend here in Texas, Randy will be waiting with us as well! Randy and his wife Lynette (my BFIT-Best friend in Texas) and their daughters go WAY back with our family! We have miles of memories of camp outs, playing cards, vacation, serving in Ministry, laughter, tears, prodigal children, a house fire, death of parents and you name it! Lynette surprised me at my Mom's visitation by coming ALL the way to St Charles to be there for me during my Mom's funeral!!!

Dave and I are blessed beyond measure! Between our children, family and friends we could take up the entire surgery waiting room area tomorrow! Unfortunately, we are limited to only 4!

My thoughts today are pretty calm for the most part. Dave is at work, wrapping up his loose ends since he'll be on short-term disability for awhile. He'll take an earlier quit, come home, eat a light meal and at 5 PM begin taking his "cleansers", if you know what I mean! I have the grocery shopping to do today, take my car in for an impromptu 4 wheel alignment (wasn't planning on that!) and the usual Monday errands...

Today marks our last day of what we used to call normal. That is NOT meant to be pessimistic one tiny bit, it's just that we are clueless of what tomorrow's surgery will bring!

If God does the miraculous, how on earth could you ever live a normal life again?

If God permits Dave to go through the surgery and there is no need for chemo and/or radiation, how on earth could you ever live a normal life again?

If Dave DOES have to have extended treatment, how on earth could you ever live a normal life again?

If our situation turns out to have a different ending then the one we desire, how on earth could you ever life a normal life again?

Already our "old normal" has changed. Dave has always been a thankful person, acknowledging God's endless blessings in our lives. Every day he chooses to make the most of each day, not squandering one second on negative thoughts! This kind of reality check certainly changes the way you view life!

For myself, God has drawn me closer to His side and has become my all sufficiency in a way that blows my mind every single day!

Already we have seen that a "new normal" has it's benefits!

I will rest in the Lord and allow Him to give me the strength and perseverance for wherever the road leads us...

DESIRES

So, the day after tomorrow is the big day. We have to be at University of Texas Southwest Medical Center by 5;30 AM and if everything goes as planned, surgery will be at 7 AM. We were told this will probably be a 3 hour surgery but then this was BEFORE the MRI indicated that there was cancer outside the prostate. We won't know until they get in there and start removing the cancer around the prostate.
(Dave and our son Charlie, wearing his brand new Cowboy Boots for his 3rd birthday, October 1993)

I would love it if they started to do the surgery and found themselves saying,
"Where did it go?"

What a testimony to the healing power of God that would be! God is more than able and while this is what WE desire I am reminded of Psalm 37:4,
"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Too many times I believe that we as Christians use this Scripture to wrench something from God's hands; as if we were even able to do that! God certainly has responsibilities to us as His children but just as WE as earthly parents have responsibilities to our own children, the parent gets to choose what is best for their child.

I acknowledge that God sees the end result, the finished product and all I can see is the very small area that immediately affects me and my emotions. I know what I want but the key to this is what does God want?

That's where "the desires of my heart" comes in...

It's not meant to be a "wish list" that we present to God like He was some sort of Santa Claus waiting to hear want we want. I am slowly understanding that this journey we are on is so much more than the physical, temporal earthly life we move around in. We move around on such a shallow level, much like the earth's crust and God desires for us to be at the core! HE is the core!

When I am connected to God more intimately, HE places HIS desires in my heart and THOSE are the ones that I crave! You know it's another upside-down Kingdom Principle when your main focus transfers from yourself and what YOU want to one that asks,
"What does God want out of all of this and how does He want to use me to accomplish it?"

TREMENDOUS SUPPORT

I count myself incredibly blessed that our family has such an amazing support group! From family, friends, church and even internet sisters and friends that I have never had the pleasure of meeting face to face (except for Connie-Marie and Cyndi) we have been encouraged. Every day I receive affirmations of love and prayers and every day it shores up my walls a little more!
(Dave at Iceberg Lake, Glacier NP, Summer 2010)

Last year when my Mom was first diagnosed with Colon Cancer I picked up a book by David Jeremiah titled,
"WHEN YOUR WORLD FALLS APART: SEEING PAST THE PAIN OF THE PRESENT".

I was organizing my side table, which sits right next to my favorite chair and I saw it sitting there! I had started reading it but something must have distracted me because I hadn't gotten very far. I picked it up yesterday afternoon and began reading it again, starting over.

After only reading 8 pages, something leaped off the page and shouted at me. I had read it last year but it hadn't impressed me at that time. I was in a difficult place last year but this speaks to the difficult place we find ourselves in THIS year! The author found himself suddenly and unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer much like we find ourselves right now!

"Our spirits basked in the prayers, support and encouragement of our church family and friends, we fed on their support and felt strengthened for the battle ahead. But in the midst of all the love and affirmation, it was the Lord, "a stronghold in the day of trouble" (Nah. 1:7), who knew the needs of my body and soul most deeply. It was He who walked with me through the valley of the shadow, He who lavished upon me a deeper, more personal experience of His presence than I'd ever known before. As I sought refuge in His word, I found consolation beyond description for my troubled spirit."

Wow! That speaks to where I am right now! The more I let go, the more I acknowledge my own weakness and lack of control in this situation, the closer God draws to me! The intimacy level in my walk with Christ has sky-rocketed and I can be thankful for good things even in the midst of very bad things! Only God can take our heartache and fear and use it to draw us closer to Him. It's a choice we get to make, what to do with that heartache and fear. Do we wrap ourselves up in it or do we shed all pretense of control and hand it over to the One, the only One who is higher than it all?

"When God permits His children to go through the furnace, He keeps His eye on the clock and His hand on the thermostat. His loving heart knows how much and how long."
Warren Wiersbe

OUT OF THE BLUE

This has been a very good week since "putting down my net". I've been filled with incredible peace and calm which the world would not understand. It's not as if Dave's cancer has suddenly disappeared or I heard an audible voice from God making a proclamation, I wish....It's the peace of God that passes all understanding. I love how William Barclay puts this in his "Daily Study Bible Series":

"In Hebrew peace is never only a negative state; it never means only the absence of trouble; in Hebrew peace always means everything which makes for a man's highest good. In the east when one man says to another, Salaam—which is the same word—he does not mean that he wishes for the other man only the absence of evil things; he wishes for him the presence of all good things. In the Bible peace means not only freedom from all trouble; it means enjoyment of all good." (vol. 1, p. 108)

So I find myself in another one of those upside-down Kingdom Principles of knowing peace in the midst of uncertainty...
(Dave resting after our hike out of Sheepeater Canyon from the base of Osprey Falls in Yellowstone NP, Summer 2010.)


Yesterday I had a reminder however of the seriousness of our lives (as if I needed a reminder!) Dave has filled out his information packet, done all of his preliminary lab work, etc in preparation for his surgery this coming Tuesday. In this paperwork there is an explanation of "expectations", how many people are allowed in the surgery waiting room, recovery area, settling into your room, side effects and so forth. As is the case in prostate surgery, side effects can include impotence and incontinence. I will not address the former but the latter. He will have to wear protective padding once the catheter is removed, hopefully VERY short term! Needless to say we've been making the "DEPENDS" jokes to lighten the mood. He asked me to pick up a supply of what he will be needing.

I was picking up a prescription yesterday and asked the Pharmacist if they carried what I was looking for. He recommended a Medical Supply Store which was located in that same plaza. I went down there and stepped inside. The young man was very helpful and while he was in the back rooting around for my request, I was completely overwhelmed!

I was surrounded by medical equipment (duh!) but suddenly I was reliving my Mom's final days. I could see her lying in their hospital bed which was on display, the oxygen machine, the Colostomy bags-everything in their store, somehow connected with my Mom!! God was indeed merciful and gave me strength during that time but I was reminded of just how hard that time actually was! I began to cry...

Then "IT" happened! Satan tried whispering fear inside my head. My mind began to race and wonder if a year from now I'd be back in this place needing things for Dave. I felt myself breathing harder through my tears, fear strangling my heart once more.

Sometime you just have to tell satan, to "SHUT UP!"

I reminded God that I had "put down my net" and everything was entrusted to Him. Satan skulked away to his corner with his tail tucked between his legs, knowing that he was the loser of this round.

All of this transpired in less than 3 minutes! Earthly battles in war are NEVER settled this quickly! But then, who can remain standing when confronted by the same power that raised Christ from the dead?

"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." (Hebrews 4:16 NIV)

SURRENDERED

There is nothing like suffering and trials to grab your attention! In the midst of this however the presence of God is SO intimate that I am able to find thanks in the middle of our situation. I can't imagine going through the events our family has gone through/is going through, without God's ever near presence! I have spent MORE time in prayer and in the Word, than I have in a long time. I find that my priorities have changed, not that I was focused on "bad" things before but now I find myself focusing on "better" things. I used to view life with permanent eyes and now I realize just how temporary everything is, not just our earthly years but even our trials!

"For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!"
(2 Corinthians 4:7 NIV)


Dave has been such a pillar of strength through this whole thing! No, he's not Superman, although I believe the kids lose sight of that fact. Their thinking is such that "If dad's not worried about this, we're all gonna be okay".

(One of my favorite pictures of Dave. Lake Girabaldi, British Columbia, 2005)

I told Dave that he has done his fathering well. He has provided strength and security for our children and that he has been an excellent example of a man who is entirely dependent on God. Dave recently told someone that his cancer has been harder on ME than it has been on him! Dave is a manly man without a doubt but he is a Godly man even more so. His trust in God is inspiring whereas with me, I tend to fly around the place, anxious and unsettled, rebuking satan right and left with Scripture! The picture of calm and chaos...

Dave's continual prayer has been, "Not my will but Your will". God knows, not only HOW He will be glorified but the BEST WAY He will be glorified in this situation. And to think: we GET to be apart of that!

Our Pastor gave an amazing message this past Sunday, one that has resonated deeply within me in the days since.

"As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” At once they left their nets and followed him. Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him."
(Matthew 4:18-22 NIV)


The Disciples were called by Jesus to put down their net and to follow Him.
AN INVITATION

They did just that and left all familiarity behind.
A CHOICE

They witnessed things and became something they could never have been on their own, by following Christ!
A BETTER LIFE

I was able to identify with the Disciples. Here they were, in all likelihood, living a good life. They had a livelihood, would probably raise a family and life was potentially good. Here I am, my needs provided for, Dave and I don't have a good marriage, it's safe to say we have a GREAT marriage, with all our hopes and dreams laid out before us...

When I think of ALL that the Disciples witnessed by leaving the familiar behind, it boggles the mind!

Water turned to wine!
Lepers healed!
Deaf, dumb and lame people healed!
People raised from the dead!!
Demons cast into swine.
Insights into the Father's heart!
Jesus calming the storms!
Jesus feeding the multitudes with nothing more than a couple of fish and loaves of bread!
Jesus walking on water!
Peter walking on water!!
Peter's anguish over His betrayal of Christ.
The despair of Christ's death and the inexpressible joy of His resurrection!
Peter's restoration through Christ's complete forgiveness!
The Holy Spirit descending upon them to go out in the name of Christ to reach the world and perform miracles in his name.
Chains falling off while imprisoned for preaching the Gospel.
Even giving up their lives for the One who makes our lives worthwhile!

I truly feel that Jesus has extended the invitation for me to put down my net and experience things with Him that I can't even imagine! Our marriage has been my net. I have been holding on to it so tightly because it has been threatened by Dave's cancer. Surrender and giving up the illusion of control is really scary. WHEREVER this journey takes us, HOWEVER it turns out, God has a journey for us that will blow our minds!

I have opened my hands and given it over to God.
He has given me the invitation and I have chosen to live a better life....

GEE WHIZ!

This has been a difficult week for me. I have written about my Mom and her funeral, how the Lord has sustained me during that rough time and some of my innermost thoughts. The Lord has allowed me to have a LOT of self-reflection lately; some things that were revealed weren't pleasant but many things surprised me. One surprise is that I found another word I would use to describe the events of this past month: EXCITING.

How odd for me to say that right? It really is something extraordinary to live on the edge, totally dependent on God to orchestrate how your life is going to work out! At the time I wouldn't have called it exciting, I would have called it surrender! I knew that I was helpless in my own strength and abilities to make everything work out and so I had to place my complete trust in the hands of God to make sense of it all.

In coming off of this mountaintop high I hit Death Valley low this week. The reality of Dave's cancer hit me square on. On our last day with Pop our plan was to take him out to eat and spend time visiting with him. After returning from the restaurant Dave FINALLY got a call on his MRI, 2 weeks after it was done. He stepped outside and from the length of time he was on the phone, my gut told me it wasn't good news. Pop was in the kitchen making us hot chocolate and Dave very quickly gave me the run down when he came back inside. It was hard to focus on Pop for the next hour and a half when all I wanted was every single little detail. When it was time to leave and we got into our car I just broke down and wept! The enormity of all that had transpired just overwhelmed me! I cried my eyes out as we drove away and I saw Pop standing outside, holding TOMMY cat in his arms, waving goodbye to us....

The MRI results indicate that the cancer is not just contained to the prostate but it is outside of it as well. How much exactly won't be revealed until they get in and do the surgery. This means that they will be taking more than just the prostate and so the risk of "collateral damage" has greatly increased. I told Dave that we will deal with whatever consequences there are and we both agree that getting the cancer is THE most important thing! His surgery is scheduled for June 14th and if all goes as planned he should be home by the evening of the 15th.

I have been fighting satan's grip of fear that's he's been trying to strangle my heart with, by reciting these Scriptures:

Taking captive every thought when my mind begins racing ahead and worrying...
"Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ"
2 Corinthians 10:5 (KJV)

God will keep me and preserve me no matter what happens, I can trust Him to keep me safe...
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV)

Focus on the positives! As Believers in Christ we are living the abundant life NOW. We don't have to "hang on until heaven"...
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."Philippians 4:8 (NIV)

I hate to admit that I have lost some of the battles this week but Jesus has already won the war! I looked ahead at Revelation and there IS a happy ending...

MOVING FORWARD

I have been moving forward since my Mom's death. It hasn't always been easy but I know it's necessary. My emphasis now is on Dave's cancer and the fight we have ahead of us.
(Pop bought this hat for Mom when chemo started making her hair fall out, Pop wore it more than she did! I have to say, I have NEVER seen Dave with this much hair in the 26+ years I have known him!)

After Mom's funeral I took the next 2 days off and did nothing. I had roughly a week where I had planned to help Pop around the house and start going through Mom's things. Dave was beginning his Haz-Mat training on the 23rd and in the evenings we hooked up at the hotel in downtown's Union Station.

My first day of working at my folks, Pop told me he didn't want to work. He wanted to go out to eat and show Dave and I his latest play toy. Pop sold his 2 seater Yankee airplane back in March and got a MONI, an experimental aircraft. Pop is 81 years old but is incredibly active! He has been devoted to caring for my Mom this past year and hasn't been able to do much for himself.
(A fellow flying buddy took this picture of Pop flying into St. Louis-see the Gateway Arch?)
(Pop proudly shows off his new toy.)
(Dave had to practically fold up his long legs to get inside. Everything is adjusted to fit Pop who is definitely shorter!)


I spent the remainder of my time going through my Mom's belongings. I came across one shirt in particular that made me cry. I remember her wearing it back in November when I went with them to her Oncologist's appointment. This was her first doctor who told us at Thanksgiving that there was nothing more that he could do for her. Her 2nd Oncologist gave us about 6 more months with her. I set the shirt aside and continued on. I came back to it a couple of hours later and the Lord reminded me that now my Mom is wearing a robe of white. I smiled once again through my tears and placed it in the "donate bag"...

I thought I knew my Mom pretty well. The two of us have similar characteristics but we are also VERY different from one another. I found myself initially questioning why my Mom had done certain things. Specifically I came across clothes, shoes, jewelry, cosmetics, gift items, etc that had never been removed from their bags, price tags still on them. I'll admit I was very frustrated and vowed that I "would never do this to my children." Mom had piled so much stuff into her bedroom that it was almost impossible to enter inside! Pop and I had made a path just to clear off the bed so I could sleep in there. I had begun organizing stuff for my Mom before she had passed away; it gave me something to do while we were waiting.

After the first day or two I slowly began realizing just how deeply my Mom had been emotionally wounded by events in her life. She had grown up through deprivations caused by Word War 2 where her family had lost EVERYTHING! She had known what it was like to be a refugee, living away from her familiar surroundings and never knowing if there was going to be food on the table that night. When my Mom and my father divorced when I was just 6 years old she began life again with next to nothing to her name. Essentially she was a refugee all over again. In 1993 she and Pop lost ALMOST everything in the great floods that ravaged the heartland. The Lord filled me with compassion for my Mom as all of this began to sink in. I had always thought my Mom was emotionally fragile and high strung, something that I could not relate to. As I look back, I was somewhat harsh in my estimations of her-who knows how well I would have processed that magnitude of loss!?

It all started making sense to me. If something was pretty, caught her eye or made her smile, she got it. BECAUSE SHE COULD! There was no one or no reason, to say she couldn't! The best part of this revelation is that Pop understood that! He got her! He knew she was emotionally wounded and he loved her right where she was!

I brought home a lot of Mom's things but there is still more waiting for me at their house when we go back up again. I got a LOT of work done and I was initially disappointed that some of the goals that I had set, didn't get accomplished. I thought it was all about rolling up my sleeves and working around the house to help out Pop. It became clear to me almost immediately that there was more that Pop needed, than for me to organize and sort. One day I got to their house while he was out doing errands. I worked for close to 2 hours and when he returned to the house he wanted to go to lunch and visit the cemetery and that's exactly what we did! It dawned on me that he and my Mom hadn't been apart from each other for more than a couple of days in MANY years and he was missing her.
(Mom and Pop just 1 year ago at Pop's surprise 80th Birthday Party. 2 weeks later we found out my Mom had Stage 4 Colon Cancer...)

I have been blessed. I got to witness a loving relationship between my Mom and Pop. I have seen his selfless devotion to her. I have seen the way her eyes focused on him during a conversation, hanging on his every word. I have seen commitment, duty, honor and loyalty played out in front of me every day. What better gift can a parent give to a child...

AUF WIEDERSEHN MUTTI

My Mom was born May 6, 1938 and died May 16, 2011.

When I first arrived at their house God had given me a wonderful idea. Pop had told me how a couple of nights earlier, my Mom had been calling for him but because he was so exhausted, he slept on and didn't hear her. Their cat TOMMY, hearing my Mom in need came in and jumped on Pop until he woke up and heard her. I went right out and purchased a baby monitor! This would allow Pop to hear her at night but also if he/we were outside or if he was down in the basement on the computer. It was impossible to sit in the living room where Mom's hospital bed was 24 hours a day and this helped to relieve the anxiety about my Mom.

On the night of May 15th, Pop and I had gone to bed when he heard Mom on the monitor around midnight and so he went to her. She wasn't speaking any words just making sounds. He went back to bed but the same thing happened at 1AM where once again he went to her. At 3 she awakened him by actually calling his name. He went to her, talked to her and after 15 minutes was going to lie back down in bed like the other times when something told him not to. Pop was with my Mom when she drew her last breath at 3:32 in the early morning hours on the 16th.

Some memories are carved deep within one's mind and one of mine will always be when Pop came in and woke me up to tell me my beautiful, loving and gentle mother was gone. I was deeply saddened when I went in and saw her but I was also detached at the same time. Mom had been slipping away from us and was barely there in the 48 hours before she went home to be with the Lord. I looked at her small, weak shell that remained and through my tears I rejoiced for her! I knew in that moment that Mom had been instantly transformed when she saw our Lord and Savior face to face! Anytime that I have found myself wallowing in sadness and tears I remember how she was before she died and how she is now. I know that there is NOTHING here on this earth that could satisfy my Mom now that she has experienced the communion and fellowship with our Heavenly Father the way it was intended from the beginning of creation!

Pop called Hospice and a Nurse came out and pronounced my mom at 4:45 AM. She made the necessary phone calls and cleaned my Mom's face. Pop had made preliminary funeral arrangements the day after I had arrived and the funeral home picked up my Mom by 7AM. I waited outside on the front porch because I didn't want to see them handle my Mom's body, Pop stayed inside. As I stood out there, the skies which had been raining the day before were brilliant blue, the birds were chirping, the breeze was blowing and the sunrise was magnificent! What a beautiful day for my mom to meet the "Maker of Creation!" Once again I smiled...

Dave, Jessica, Laura, Charlie and our grand-daughter Jelly Bean left Texas late Tuesday afternoon and arrived in St Louis around 3 AM on Wednesday the 18th. Later that day we were having the Visitation and the funeral was scheduled for the 19th. (The 18th was Pop's Birthday and Mom had actually passed away on Laura's Birthday which was the 16th.)


(Dave and I with Pop along with our 4 children. Left to right-Jennifer who lives in St. Louis, Jessica, Laura and Charlie.)




(Honoring my Mother.)

Our family had an hour before the public viewing began and it was emotional to say the least. I went up with Pop to steady him while he put my Mom's wedding ring on her and her favorite watch and bracelet. He had already decided to place all of her Birthday and Mother's Day cards in with her since she had not been able to read them. Last summer when Mom was diagnosed I drove straight through and stopped in the Hospital gift shop where I bought a stuffed cat that looked like TOMMY. Pop put that in with her and I attached my "My Mom Is My Hero" cancer button to it that I wear. (The next day, the morning of her funeral I placed my Colon Cancer bracelet that I always wore, in with her as well.)

My last images of my mom while she was still "alive" (if you can even call it that) were extremely painful. We kept saying over and over how beautiful she looked because of the amazing job the funeral home had done. Granted, my Mom barely weighed 100 pounds anymore and considering she was "robust" like I am, people who hadn't seen her were probably shocked at how different she looked. I will always be grateful that I can visualize her the way she looked the day of her funeral.


(Mom wearing a blue sweater with the Edelweiss flowers delicately stitched on it. Pop put her sunglasses in with her too, she never went any where without them!)


There were SO many people that came to Mom's Visitation and I was touched by all of the flowers, plants and Memorials- my Mom was deeply loved by many people!




The day of the funeral there were many tears. Pop had their Lutheran Pastor do parts of the service in German.


(Pop with Pastor Karstens.)

I got choked up listening to him recite the 23rd Psalm.

Ein Psalm Davids

1 Der HERR ist mein Hirte, mir wird nichts mangeln.
2 Er weidet mich auf einer grünen Aue und führet mich zum frischen Wasser.
3 Er erquicket meine Seele. Er führet mich auf rechter Straße um seines Namens willen.
4 Und ob ich schon wanderte im finstern Tal, fürchte ich kein Unglück;
denn du bist bei mir, dein Stecken und Stab trösten mich.
5 Du bereitest vor mir einen Tisch im Angesicht meiner Feinde. Du salbest mein Haupt mit Öl und schenkest mir voll ein.
6 Gutes und Barmherzigkeit werden mir folgen mein Leben lang, und ich werde bleiben
im Hause des HERRN immerdar.


During the hymn "Amazing Grace", Pop whispered over to me about Mom's pain and suffering being over and I responded,
"Thank God for our blessed hope..."
Once again I found myself smiling through my tears as I thought of her worshiping the Lord God Almighty!

After the service we proceeded to Jefferson Barracks National Cemetery (Pop is a Veteran) for her interment. Our son Charlie and son-in-law Corey were 2 of the Pallbearers. Although it was raining, we had the short service under a covered pavilion. After the Pastor was done, Pop stood up and said,
"Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty I am free at last!"



(Left to right-My cousins Ed and Jeff, my Nephews Neal and Jeffrey, Corey and Charlie.)

Pop then invited everyone to join us at my Mom's favorite restaurant for a meal to honor her. Laura and I went forward to take a few flowers from the arrangements and when I turned around everyone had left. I was the last one to leave. I touched my Mom's casket and said,
"Ich Liebe Dich Mutti"
and turned away...